Stargate Atlantis: The Musical, Season Two!
by nightfynix
Summary: hehehe, what do you think this one's gonna be about? Enjoy! COMPLETE!
1. Prologue

WE'RE BAAACK! yeah, this is Season 2... which calls for a whole new musical! to the dismay of many characters... and THANK YOU to all the reviewers, we love you guys!

now, on to the rather chatty prologue...

_sigh_ standard disclaimers still apply.

**

* * *

Prologue**

"Do we have to do this again?" Rodney moaned.

Sheppard nodded his head emphatically. "I've been scarred for life from the last musical."

"As was I," agreed Teyla.

"Ditto," Ford put in.

Nightpheonix rolled her eyes. "Well, you don't have much of a choice, now do you?"

Seanait waved her notebook threateningly. "If I can turn John's gun into a banana, I can do anything!"

"C'mon, this one will be a lot more fun than the last one!" Elizabeth pleaded.

"Well, since Kavanaugh and Kolya are dead..." mused McKay.

"And Bates," Teyla added with a snicker.

"And Everett," Weir reminded them all.

"...that will get rid of a whole lot of irritating people singing." Rodney finished.

Seanait and Nightpheonix exchanged glances. "Well..." they said in unison.

"What aren't you telling us?" John growled.

"We had to resurrect them all," admitted Nightpheonix.

The entire Atlantis team burst out, "WHAT!"

"We didn't have a choice!" Seanait defended. Nightpheonix nodded in assent.

"But they don't get songs, right?" demanded Sheppard.

When the fic writers didn't answer, McKay repeated, "_Right_!"

"Hey..." Nightpheonix said thoughtfully. "We never gave Bates a song last season, did we?"

Seanait thought for a second. "That we didn't," she said, an evil grin spreading slowly across her face. The two authors exchanged glances, and then sprinted out to begin writing, laughing insanely all the way.

The Atlantis team stared after them in horror. "Oh God. This is going to suck."

OOOOOOOOOOOO

"McKay, it's about to start. Go out there."

"No."

"Whaddaya mean no?"

"I mean _no, _major… err… sorry. I did the intro to the last musical and you said it was boring. If you want an exciting intro, _you _do it."

"By the way, it's _colonel._ Oh, come on-"

"Don't tell me the legendary **_Colonel_** John Sheppard has stage fright!"

"No! Not at all!"

"Then go out there."

"Aw, c'mon, sir! It'll be fun!"

"Ford, that's what you said about the last musical, and look how that turned out."

Silence.

"Colonel Sheppard, it would be wise to say something to the audience before they become angry."

"Yes, Teyla, but what should I talk about?"

"I dunno, make something up."

"Gee, McKay, thanks."

"Anytime."

"How 'bout you talk about the puddlejumper, sir?"

"Well, I guess that's okay..."

"Great, just go out there now, colonel."

Pause.

"McKay, are you sure you don't want-"

Sheppard falls onstage, kicked by Rodney and the others. John glares at the group offstage and rubs his backside.

Sheppard addresses the audience: Well, you guys know why you're here. "SGA: The Musical 2," also known as "Oh No, Not Another One!"

McKay proudly from backstage: That was my idea!

Sheppard: Nice one. Anyways, if you guys saw the last musical, you know there's gonna be a lot of singing and...yeah, whatever. So I'm out here to talk to you guys about the puddlejumper 'cause McKay was being a whiny b-

McKay, threateningly: Colonel Sheppard, I swear...

Sheppard: Brainiac. I was going to say brainiac. Yeah, the puddlejumer. Well, it's this really cool little ship-

McKay: -that goes through the gate! _Gateship_! That's a much better name than puddlejumper!

Sheppard: Rodney, are you going to do this intro or am I? (Silence) Good. So the puddlejumper can go-

Weir walks onstage: Yeah, I think that's good, colonel. We're on a tight schedule here, so let's get this musical started.

Sheppard: But-but-but!

The others also walk onstage.

Ford: Well, I'm sure it would have been great if you had had the time, sir.

Sheppard: Waitaminute...Ford, what are you doing here?

Ford: What do you mean?

Sheppard: I mean aren't you supposed to be some sort of pseudo-Wraith completely convinced of his own superiority and totally addicted to that enzyme?

Ford: Oh. Yeah. Right. Much to the woe of all my fangirls, I'm not a main character anymore!

McKay aside to Sheppard: Ford has fangirls?

Sheppard shrugs: Who knew?

Ford: I heard that!

Sheppard: So?

Ford: Hmph! Well, maybe it's a good thing I'm leaving if I'm not wanted!

Silence. Ford growls at them all. They jump and scream.

Sheppard: We have to do something to help him!

McKay, Teyla, Weir: _You_ can do something._ We're_ staying away from him!

Suddenly, a cardboard box cut into a triangle zips out of nowhere.

Sheppard: Uh... stage crew, what's that?

Stage manager: The Wraith Dart.

McKay: Budget again?

Stage manager: Yeah. Oh, you guys are going to have to pretend there's a puddlebox from now on.

Sheppard: WHAT! You cut up my puddlebox to make a dart!

Teyla: But I thought that you disliked the puddlebox, colonel.

Sheppard: Yes, but-

He is cut off by Ford yelling, "Wee-hooo!" and running under the Dartbox, screaming, "Beam me up! Beam me up!" He disappears and the Dartbox flies away.

Sheppard: Well.

Weir: _That_ was different.

Beckett comes on stage.

Beckett: What in bloody hell was tha'? I almost got my head taken off by a cardboard triangle!

John begins to sob hysterically.

Beckett: ...oh?

McKay: Oh, grow up, colonel. We _all_ hated the damn thing.

Sheppard: But (sob) it was _my SPACESHIP_! (sob)

Teyla: Colonel, now we can use the real puddlejumper on set.

Sheppard immediately brightens up: Really! AWESOME!

John does a victory dance. There is silence.

McKay: Ahem... on to act 1 you guys? This isn't looking like a proper prologue.

All: Shut up McKay.

McKay: Fine.

A curtain falls, clunking McKay in the head.


	2. Act 1

Hey! This is Seanait reporting in... hope you enjoyed your last couple of months! But to the main attraction: ANOTHER FREAKING SEASON!

if there are any little ones reading this... we've uped the rating for some minor swears... other than that... We do have Act 2 done... well almost... be up very soon!

OH... JOULEZ! SAVE YOUR LAPTOP FROM TEA-SPRAYS... SET THE TEA DOWN THEN READ:) lol... poor lappy...

**And now... let me introduce... Stargate Atlantis: The Musical Season 2, Act 1! Commence!**

* * *

Some time later, the curtain comes up. McKay is still unconscious from having the curtain dropped on his noggin. Sheppard, Teyla, Weir, and Beckett hover over him. 

Teyla: Will he be alright?

Beckett: Oh, aye. He's had worse.

Sheppard: Yeah. At least he's quiet for once.

Elizabeth, Carson, and Teyla all 'mmm' in agreement.

McKay groans and sits up: Unnnngh, what the hell happened?

Sheppard: Ah, crud. It's always too good to last.

McKay: Whuzzat?

Sheppard innocently: Nothing, Rodney.

A bunch of Marines walk onstage dressed in...sailor caps?

Beckett sarcastically: Oh, goody, it looks like ye woke up just in time for the first song, Rodney.

McKay: Unless I'm mistaken, you're not the Navy...

One Marine glares threateningly: Semper fi, jackass.

Sheppard: Oh dear lord, this can't be...

He hides a smirk. McKay and Weir quickly catch on and also begin grinning. Teyla and Ronon, of course, don't understand what is about to happen, but they watch amusedly. The Marines exchange pathetic glances, then all take a deep breath.

Marines:_ Juuuuuust sit right back and you'll hear a tale,_

_A tale of a fateful fight_

_That started in Pegasus_

_And lasted many nights._

_The Wraith were a fearsome fighting force,_

_The Earthlings brave and true._

_Atlantis was to be besieged,_

_They all thought they were through. They thought they were through!_

_The shooting started getting rough,_

_The naquadah generators were exhaust._

_If not for the power of the ZPM,_

_Atlantis would be lost. Atlantis would be lost!_

_But everyone came out okay,_

_In this uncharted alien city,_

_With Dr. Weir! John Sheppard too! Rodney McKay! And Teyla! Colonel Caldwell! The Marines, Air Force and the Wraith..._

_Here in Aaaaaatlaaaantisss!_

Marine: Good Lord, that's over. AND YOU HAD BETTER HAVE LIKED IT!

The crowd claps appraisingly. They hadn't quite gotten over the shock of Marines singing "Gilligan's Island" yet.

Head Marine: Staaaand HUT!

The Marines stand at attention.

Head Marine: Forwaaaaaaard MARCH!

They march off stage.

Sheppard: Well, that was interesting.

McKay: Mmmm. What was the point in that horrendous rendition?

Beckett, Weir, and Sheppard shake their heads. It wasn't in the script.

Teyla: That was not in the script.

Beckett: That it wasn't lass. That it wasn't.

Weir: Anyway!

She walks off stage... and comes back.

Weir: OH MAN! This bloody freaking headache is KILLING me!

Beckett, concerned: Want something for it, mam?

Weir: No…no no no... I shall grin and bear it… WOULD YOU STOP BREATHING SO LOUDLY!

The team all exchange glances, then bombard her with questions.

McKay: You weren't talking to me were you? I'm not breathing loudly, am I? (he takes several deep breaths to see how loudly he's inhaling)

Beckett: Elizabeth, a headache could be a sign of something much more serious. Is it a dull, throbbing pain? Where is it located? More at the temples or behind your eyes?

Weir hollers: QUIET! Just shut up, all of you!

All snap their mouths shut.

McKay: Geez, cranky much?

Weir: I'M NOT CRANKY!

Elizabeth rubs her temples.

Teyla: Do you possess a headache, Dr. Weir?

Weir, seriously irritated: How'd you guess?

Sheppard: Hangover from the last musical?

Weir, scandalized: I was not drunk!

McKay mimics Weir: "FLY! FLY MAN FLY!" You call that sober?

Weir: I was completely sober! I was…uh…in a weird mood. (she puts a hand in front of her eyes to shield them from the bright spotlights) Would someone turn off those stupid lights? They're not helping my headache any.

Beckett: You were drunk as a skunk, lass.

Elizabeth grits her teeth and mumbles: I'm goin' back to bed.

She stomps off stage, leaving McKay, Sheppard, Beckett, and Teyla alone.

Beckett: Well, I, uhm, had better get going. I've got a uh…surgery at 1400 hours, so I'd…better prepare.

He runs off.

McKay: But it's only 0800!

Sheppard: Probably just didn't want to sing again.

Teyla: We will make him sing before the musical is over…(she snickers)

Sheppard: Speaking of making people sing…Ronon, get out here.

Ronon, from offstage: No.

Teyla: It is not all that bad once you get used to it.

Ronon: No.

We hear Dex growl menacingly. Everyone exchanges frightened glances and scoots away. Suddenly, we hear two more growls, and Ronon jumps onstage, clutching his script and throwing nervous glances behind him.

Sheppard: Fic writers got to you, didn't they?

Dex glowers and takes out his script, deadpanning: Hello. Everyone. I. Am. Specialist. Ronon. Dex.

McKay, sarcastically: Once more, but with feeling!

Ronon begins mutilating the script in his rage. He repeats again: HELLO everyone. My NAME is Specialist RONON DEX!

McKay: Better, but anger was not the 'feeling' we're aiming for in this scene.

Ronon takes his script and flings it backstage. He looks like he's about to slug Rodney, but then something else comes along to attract his attention more...

Bates appears out of nowhere: Two aliens on the team? My God, you're just begging to be attacked! (points to Ronon with pitchfork) Hell, this one had a tracking device implanted in his back! Do you guys have some sort of death wish!

He waves his signature torch and pitchfork at the two aliens.

McKay: Aren't you supposed to be dead or something this season?

Teyla: Can I make him be dead again?

Stage manager, offstage: Well, he, um, kinda...has...this...song.

Teyla blanches in fear. The band kicks up the opening riff for "Can't Get No Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones. Bates turns the pitchfork on its side and begins pantomiming playing a guitar on it.

Sheppard: Oh boy. Here we go.

McKay: Oh, dear God. Somehow I think the wraith would do a better job...

All brace for the coming storm.

Bates: _I can't get no satisfaction_

_I can't get no satisfaction_

_But I try...and I try...and I try...and I try..._

_I can't get no! I can't get no!_

_When I'm explorin' off world._

_And a Wraith shows up to kill me._

_And tryin' to suck my life._

_How could they know where we've been?_

_It must have been told by an Athosian_

_I can't get no! No, no no._

_Hey hey hey! _

_That's what I say!_

_I can't get no satisfaction_

_I can't get no satisfaction_

_But I try...and I try...and I try...and I try..._

_I can't get no! I can't get no!_

_When I'm patrolin' the halls_

_And I hear, "unscheduled activation"_

_I believe in all faith_

_AT-1's comin' in hot again_

_'Cause Teyla alerted the Wraith_

_I can't get no! No, no no._

_Hey hey hey! _

_That's what I say!_

_I can't get no satisfaction_

_I can't catch no betrayal action_

_But I try...and I try...and I try...and I try..._

_I can't get no! I can't get no!_

_When I'm writin' my reports_

_And I'm accusin' this and I'm blamin' that_

_I'm just trying to make us secure._

_Weir tells me, "Bates you said the same thing,_

_The same thing last week."_

_She don't see the dangers of alien peeps._

_I can't get no! No, no no._

_Hey hey hey! _

_That's what I say!_

_I can't get no! Satisfaction!_

(Repeat and fade.)

Bates: See? Now do you get it?

Sheppard: In a word...

All: No.

Bates: Arrgh! Aliens equal betrayal! Aliens equal betrayal!

Teyla, to stage manager: How 'bout now?

Ronon: Can I kill him too?

The stage manager steps onstage and flips through the script: Well, he only has a few more lines; I guess it'd be okay.

Sheppard: He's pretty useless as a security officer, anyways.

Teyla and Ronon exchange devious looks and cackle in sinister mirth. They run off. The others stand on stage awkwardly in silence.

Sheppard: Hey McKay?

McKay: Yes colonel?

Sheppard: Let's stand back a few feet. I'm getting the distinct feeling that if we don't, we'll be drenched in blood.

The two jump back, and just in time. An Athosian strike force led by Teyla and Ronon dives onstage. One grabs Bates' pitchfork and plunges it into his stomach. Bates stumbles backstage, gasping and clutching his wounds. After a few seconds, we hear a thud as his body hits the ground. The Athosians lob the pitchfork next to him, and it lands with a clatter.

All: _Good riddance!_

Weir, awoken by the commotion, screams: HAVEN'T I ALREADY TOLD YOU ALL TO SHUT UP!

All, innocently: No…

Weir: WELL, THEN DO IT!

The team, sarcastically: Yes, mother…

Weir, backstage: I HEARD THAT YOU LITTLE—

We hear a giant 'thud,' followed by a 'crash,' then an 'ooof!' Elizabeth and a pile of lighting equipment and set pieces fall onstage

Weir: I'm okay! I'm good!

She extricates herself from the mess, kicks at it a little to get it back where it belongs, then gives up and wobbles back to her quarters. Meanwhile, the entire strike team departs, except Ronon and Teyla who are laughing too hard at Bates' demise to walk anywhere.

Sheppard: So…

McKay: Yeah.

Sheppard: This musical isn't turning out as bad as last year's yet.

Lieutenant Cadman runs onstage, looking quite distressed.

McKay groans: You spoke far too soon, colonel.

Cadman: McKay! Thank god I found you! Quickly, we have to--

McKay: Well I think I'll stand here and totally not listen to you.

Cadman: You'd better run McKay or...!

McKay: Or what?

Cardboard Dart flies over and scoops them up.

Sheppard: Oh no.

Weir fumbles back onstage, sobered up: Crap.

Zelenka pops onstage: Nonononono! Not _**AGAIN**_!

The Dart zooms back onstage.

Zelenka: Quick, shoot it, before--!

Too late. McKay is dematerialized. All look on in horror. Rodney seems to be okay.

Sheppard, meekly: Hey, McKay...?

McKay: WHAT? I can't hear you with all this YELLING IN MY EAR!

Zelenka lapses off into Czech swearing and runs offstage to hide until it is all over. The rest are not sure whether to break down laughing or cry hysterically. Meanwhile, McKay and Cadman are already at it…again.

McKay: I know, lieutenant! ... No, I'm not any happier about this!...Yes…Yes, I'm sure!... I already told you, I...You take that back!

He begins to have a fist fight with himself, succeeding in putting himself in a headlock while his other hand gives him a black eye.

Teyla: Should we not help?

Ronon: Actually, this is pretty funny...

Sheppard: I would, but I'm not quite sure who I'd be helping…

McKay gags out from his headlock: Aack! Alright! I surrender! (He lets go of himself and brushes himself off.) Loser. I am not! Are so. Am not! Face it, Rodney: you're a loooooserrrrrr. Shut up, Cadman! Don't make me hurt you again!

He looks about ready to launch into another one-man brawl, when Heightmeyer runs out.

Heightmeyer: Rodney! Laura! Both of you! Stop fighting! This is _no_ way to solve a problem!

McKay and Cadman are trying to glare at each other, but realize it is difficult to glare at yourself, so they settle on sending murderous glares at the psychologist.

Heightmeyer, ignoring the glowers: Now all you need to do to get through this is…go to a shrink!

A chorus of the medical staff jumps out onstage and begin the Beatles hit:  
_Therapy, therapy, therapy! Therapy, therapy, therapy! Therapy, therapy, therapy!_

All:_ Dun dun, dun dun, dododo! Dododo!_

Heightmeyer:_ There's something you can do to get along,_

_Something you can do that won't go wrong,_

_Somewhere you can go to keep from arguing again,  
It's easy!_

_There's someone you can see who won't be bad,_

_Something to keep you both from going mad,_

_Nothing you can do but make the best of the situation you're in_

_It's easy!  
All you need's a shrink!_

Chorus: _Wah wah wahnana!_

Heightmeyer: _All you need's a shrink!_

Chorus: _Wah wah wahnana!_

Heightmeyer: _All you need's a shrink, shrink,  
A shrink is all you need.  
There's no one you can see who'll help you more,  
Seeing this person won't be a bore,  
You can be good even though this isn't where you're meant to be,  
It's easy!  
All you need's a shrink!_

Chorus: _Wah wah wahnana!_

Heightmeyer: _All you need's a shrink!_

Chorus: _Wah wah wahnana!_

Heightmeyer: _All you need's a shrink, shrink,  
A shrink is all you need.  
All you need's a shrink!_

Chorus: _All together now!_

Heightmeyer: _All you need's a shrink!_

Chorus: _Everybody!_

Heightmeyer_: All you need's a shrink, shrink,  
A shrink is all you need._

The chorus continues to sing, and fades into the background.

Heightmeyer: So you see, you two, violence is not the way to solve the problem!

Just then, the curtain drops down, clonking her on the head and knocking her out.

McKay and Cadman are both stunned into silence: Well.

Sheppard: Bit of irony, don't you think?

Ronon: She was wrong anyways. Violence solves everything!

All give him wary looks. Seeing the opportunity, his mouth twists into a grin, and…

Ronon: BOO!

All run screaming.

* * *

Soo... you happy we're back? Let us know! 


	3. Act 1b Sub A

okay.. so i lied.. a little... act 2 isnt coming out QUITE yet, but this is! This is what happens between act changes... hehehe

so may i introduce... **Act 1b Sub A**

* * *

The audience hears some arguing and vaguely wonders who it might be. One voice sounds distinctly like McKay, but it keeps changing timbre. The other voice shouts occasionally in Czech. Radek Zelenka perhaps? Suddenly Zelenka gets thrust onto stage. He is swearing violently in Czech.

Zelenka: Hello?

He puts his hand up to block against the lights.

Audience: Hello doctor!

Zelenka: Ah! I think I can see you now! Anyway, this is, I guess, formally known as Act 1b. Yeah yeah yeah, dumb huh? But **they**…

He points off stage at the writers.

Zelenka: Figure there's a heck of a lot of time to wait between Act 2 and Act 3 and you might get bored and leave.

He glances around nervously.

Zelenka: Not that we would mind of course…

Seanait and Nightpheonix: ZELENKA!

Zelenka: Right! Umm… soo… I'm telling jokes!

The audience perks up a bit… in interest or just being wary…

He thinks for a moment.

Zelenka: Uhh… which came first the chicken or the egg?

Audience member: CHICKEN!

Scientists in back: EGG!

Zelenka: Umm… it's the egg you know. Because eggs themselves came long before chickens did… so therefore the egg arrived here before the chicken!

The audience gives him a glare that reads "that-was-phony."

Zelenka: Right… if you can tell, I'm uh, not very comfortable up here… especially after Kavanaugh planted that bomb under here…

He suddenly turns very pale and yells off stage.

Zelenka: DID YOU GUYS EVER GET THAT BOMB REMOVED?

Off stage Seanait and Nightpheonix look at each other in mute horror.

Seanait, off stage: Oh shit… Uh Yeah! We did!

They scoot off.

Sheppard, off stage: Back to jokes Zelenka!

Zelenka: Ok, why did the hen cross the playground?

He looks all proud of himself.

Audience member: To play in the sandbox!

Zelenka: Close… anyone else?

Marine: To get the weapon?

Zelenka: Uhh… no.

Scientist: To discover the millionth digit of pi?

Zelenka: No.

Audience: WHY!

Zelenka: So he could reach the coop!

He chuckles slightly.

Zelenka: I can't see you guys… are you laughing?

The lights dim and he sees their deadpan faces.

Zelenka: Not funny eh? Well, I got better!

Marine in back: Uh huh! Suuuure!

Zelenka, squinting: Fine! I'll show you!

He runs off stage and grabs a wand and a top hat.

Zelenka: Abracadabra… poof!

He lifts up the hat. Nothing is there.

Zelenka: Umm… excuse me… (to back stage) What'd you guys do with my rabbit?

Stage crew: It uh, needed to be roasted.

Zelenka: Oh… right… (to audience) Sorry, my rabbit needed to be roasted…

Audience member: Hey! We want the Musical! It's better than you!

Several people agree.

Zelenka: Two last tries?

Audience grumbles their yes.

Zelenka: Okay… What are both really chatty and slightly insane?

They all think.

Beckett, off stage: Cadman and McKay?

Zelenka: Shh!

Audience member, totally obvious to Beckett's answer: CadKay!

They all rally around the name.

All: CadKay! CadKay!

McKay, off stage: WHAT!

Zelenka: Please quiet down… the fic writers are listening… along with their shipper friends…. And I can't believe I just said that!

The audience grins. Zelenka thinks they know something he doesn't.

Zelenka looks at them warily: Do you guys know something I don't?

Someone down front: Last one doc!

Zelenka: Thanks… What is both beautiful and cranky?

All in a "duh" voice: Weir.

Teyla comes out in true valley girl style with the hands up shrug and the rolling eyes.

Teyla: This is soooo laaa-aame!

All cheer loudly.

Weir prances on stage: Hello!

Zelenka: Doctor Weir… what happened to your hang over?

Teyla seems taken aback that her performance has been cut short.

Weir: Nothing… I got a bit drunk again!

She is dressed up in a pink tutu and has a princess wand in her hand.

Zelenka, grumbling: Obviously.

Since it seems Weir is suddenly deciding to sing something… Teyla and Zelenka vacate the stage. A light shines down on them.

The band, who just ran across Atlantis, settles down in their seats huffing and puffing.

They strike up the somber tune of _Hands_ by Jewel.

Weir: _If I could tell Atlantis just one thing  
It would be that we're all OK  
and not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful  
and useless in times like these  
I won't be made useless  
You won't be idle with despair  
I will gather myself around my friends  
For light does the darkness most fear _

My hands are small, I know  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
and I am never broken

Poverty stole your golden shoes  
But it didn't steal your laughter  
and heart ache came to visit me  
But I knew it wasn't ever after

We'll fight, not out of spite  
For someone must stand up for what's right  
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice  
There our grave is dug

My hands are small I know  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
and I am never broken

At the start, only kindness matters  
In the end, only violence matters  
Weir falls to her knees on the stage. _  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray _

My hands are small I know  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
and I am never broken

My hands are small I know  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
and I am never broken  
We are never broken

She breaks off into some incoherent drunk mumbling. Everyone is sniffling because the song was so pretty. On stage, Weir right out faints from whatever. She wakes up.

Weir: What on EARTH just happened! And what AM I doing in this hideous outfit!

She notices everyone crying and what-not.

Weir: What are you all blubbering about this time?

Someone stands up and gives her a round of applause – the whole place follows.

Weir: AHHH! SHUT UP! I HAVE A HEADACHE!

They all stop clapping except for one idiot in the back. Some Marine hits him really hard on the shoulder. He stops short.

Weir, grumbling: Gods, people can't even respect a bloody headache or a hangover… jeez, what's wrong with the world…

She stomps off stage and there is some yelling. No one is really quite sure how to fill the stage after that performance.

All back stage vote for McKay to go out there.

McKay, off stage: NO! I don't even have a freaking script!

A LOUD belch is let rip.

Teyla, off stage: 'Cuse me…

* * *

like it! soo... whats up next is what REALLY was going on off stage.. hehe and the WHY toZelenka was put on stage! 


	4. Act 1b Sub B

yes... this is the explanation of the other chapter... hope you enjoy it!

ah! speaking of stories... **The Stargate Minor Awards open for nominations on Nov. 14th its at stargatefanawards **dot **tripod **dot **com **Fanfics, Fan Art, and Music Vids are permitted!

right, on with the story!

**

* * *

**

Backstage Glimpse: Act 1…B…sub B…

The stage manager squinted his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Alright. Tell me one last time how this happened," he sighed.

"Well, I--"

"--then he--"

"--and then this--"

"—came up and--"

"—then we--"

"—woke up--"

"—like this."

Pause.

"Again."

"Yes, again."

The poor stage manager let out another self-pitying sigh. He wondered how the hell he had gotten this position. Oh, right, he had wanted it. Then he wondered why the hell he wanted to be stage manager in the first place. Oh, right, the fic authors had written him that way. Damn those sadist writers.

He watched the disgruntled scientist (or Marine, whichever was in control at that particular moment) with mixed emotions. It really would have been hysterical if McKay didn't need to be onstage for the next act. As it was, the audience was getting restless out there while they tried to separate the two. They didn't have much time before things developed into a full-scale riot. Someone somewhere was trying to organize something to keep the viewers entertained until the problem could be fixed.

Speak of the devil, the props manager jogged up just then. "We're good for now," he reported.

The stage manager let out a small cheer of relief. Finally, some good news. "Okay. What's the plan?"

"Well, I got--hey! You! Sit somewhere else!" the props guy shrieked to a gaggle of scientists and Marines who had gathered and were sitting on a cardboard box. The group promptly stood up, stuck their tongues out, muttered under their breath, and hopped back onto the box once his back was turned.

Having sufficiently chastised the cast, he continued his previous statement. "I got Zelenka to agree to tell some jokes to the crowd. Apparently he used to regular at Czech night clubs." He turned around to go attend to his beloved props.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! We're sending the guy who we need to fix this out onstage to do _stand-up comedy_!"

The props manager shrugged and went back to screaming at the cast to get off the goddamn set pieces. Just then, in a storm of Czech curses, Radek Zelenka entered, being shoved violently by a stage hand. The stage manager gaped for a few seconds, and then hissed to the woman pushing the beleaguered scientist, "I thought you said you got him to agree to this."

"Well, death threats have a tendency to make you agree to things you normally wouldn't agree to," she replied breezily, and then stalked off.

"Radek what do you think you're doing?" McKay asked icily

Radek shrugged nonchalantly. "Oh, you know. Getting death threats, being forced to tell jokes onstage, same old stuff. You?"

"Oh me? I just happen to have another consciousness transferred into my brain again!" McKay's voice suddenly rose a pitch, exclaiming, "Yeah, why are you going out there? You're supposed to get us out of this!"

Zelenka, "And I will, once I finish this--"

"This is more important than your reputation as a comedian! Yeah!"

"Well, wouldn't you rather get out later instead of be stuck together because I was killed because I didn't want to go onstage?"

The stage manager let the two (or three) squabble for a second longer before losing his patience and giving the Czech a solid boot onstage. The fic writers watched approvingly. That was, until Zelenka reminded them of something they had forgotten to do…

Nightpheonix's eyes widened in terror "Aw, hell, we never wrote that bomb out from under the stage did we?"

"Where's the 'we' in this? You were the one who wrote it under there in the first place!" Seanait retorted.

"We can debate semantics later! Right now I can't remember what the timer on the thing was set to, so let's go fix it!" The authors ran out, squabbling all the way. The stage manager wasn't so sure that he was happy about the idea that those two whack-jobs were the only thing standing between him and fiery death by explosion. But he had more important things to deal with at the moment, such as Radek calling backstage, "What'd you guys do with my rabbit?"

_Oh shit, he thought. So that's what Ronon had been eating!_ "It uh, needed to be roasted," he replied hastily. He began motioning to the rest of the stage crew to try and find a back-up rabbit so this performance didn't fall apart around their ears. Not like it already wasn't, but he wanted to salvage as much as possible. He was so intently focused on finding another rabbit that he didn't notice the giant pile of broken set pieces he backed into.

"Ooof!" he exclaimed. He tripped backwards into a pile of two-by-fours, canvases, and light fixtures, all of which are very pointy. After painfully extracting himself from the pile, he hollered accusingly, "Who the hell put these there? THESE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!"

The props manager, who was about ready to bite the heads off of anyone who got in his way, screamed back, "NO, THEY'RE NOT! Thanks to a certain tipsy commander, all those set pieces are either broken or out of place. _But it's not my fault, I tell you!_

Gritting his teeth, the stage manager turned to the nearest pair of lackeys and snapped, "You! Fix that!" pointing violently to the mess.

He continued to fume as the tell-tale strains of a very bad joke floated form on onstage. "Okay… What are both really chatty and slightly insane?"

Beckett simply couldn't resist. "Cadman and McKay?" he suggested innocently. Appreciative giggles came from the crowd, and Carson grinned broadly at his cheek.

Suddenly, however, the crowd began chanting loudly.

"What are they saying?" the stage manager asked.

"Sounds like…'CadKay,'" a stage crew member said in disbelief.

"WHAT?" McKay/Cadman exclaimed violently, spluttering and spitting everywhere.

Beckett's gleeful expression changed flawlessly to one of rage. He began to storm onstage, but was stopped by a brick wall that appeared in front of him. "What in bloody hell?" he exclaimed. He whipped around to see the two fic writers

"CadKay…that's a new one," Nightpheonix mused, jotting down notes on her ever-present pad of paper.

"But is it _possible_?" Seanait asked, looking at a whole bunch of pics from "Duet."

The two looked at each other for a second, then exclaimed, "Oh hell yeah."

The Scot was practically apoplectic, and looked like he was about to burst a vein. Fortunately, Zelenka noticed it, and quickly said, "Please quiet down… the fic writers are listening… along with their shipper friends…. And I can't believe I just said that!"

The stage manager let out a small groan, looking up to the sky as if to ask, _Why me?_ This was Zelenka's last joke, and they had nothing after that. "Hey!" he called desperately. "Any luck with McKay and Cadman?"

"NO!" snapped a whole gaggle of scientists and either Rodney or Cadman.

He resisted the urge to violently beat something, but reminded himself that the actors still needed to make it through Act 5 alive. However, this stand up act was going nowhere, and apparently neither was Cadman. Time to go to plan C. "Where's the songwriter? HEY, SONGWRITER! GET OVER HERE!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

A small, mousy-looking woman appeared at his side. "Yes?" she asked quietly.

The stage manager looked down at her, trying to piece together where she had come from and how she had gotten here so fast. After coming to the conclusion that normal laws of physics do not apply to those who work backstage, he snapped, "I need you to write me a song."

"About what?"

"I don't know, something for McKay and Cadman. And do it fast." The songwriter nodded and skittered off, eager to have another job to do.

"We're _not_ singing!" McKay's body exclaimed. No one was quite sure which one of the pair had spoken, but suffice to say that for once, they were actually in agreement.

The stage manager was about to give a good verbal smack-down to the belligerent pair, but stopped abruptly when he saw a tutu-wearing Dr. Weir stumble onstage, completely (and obviously) drunk. Again.

He gaped in disbelief, no sure whether to laugh, cry, or go insane. "Where the hell is she getting all this booze anyways?"

"Grodin's secret stash. That was what he left her in his will," a stage hand whispered.

The stage manager looked about to explode, but stopped when he heard Weir begin to sing. All stared at her in awe, which quickly progressed to sniffles at her beautiful rendition of "Hands" by Jewel.

Of course, it was too good to last. Drunkenness progressed into hungover-ness, once again leaving the audience high and dry without entertainment.

The stage manager, having no other choice, called, "All in favor of making McKay and Cadman go out there now, raise their hand and say, 'Aye!'"

"AYE!" everyone yelled, raising both arms into the air.

A look of horror and rage passed over Rodney's face. "NO! I don't even have a freaking script!"

The argument was interrupted by a deafening burp. "'Cuse me…" Teyla said lazily. All stared in shock. The stage manager took advantage of this opportunity to make an escape and find a lyrics sheet so McKay wouldn't have an excuse not to go on. He crossed over to the other side of the stage and looked for the songwriter. She seemingly appeared out of nowhere, shoved a script in his hand, and then scampered away again.

Not caring what the hell the new song was, he threw it at a stage lackey, commanding, "Here. Give this to McKay."

He let out yet another sigh, bemoaning his rotten luck. Dear God, why had he agreed to do this…?


	5. Act 2

sooo... we heard you liked the first act eh? and Act 1b Sub A... and Act 1b Sub B. well... in light of Thanksgiving... we've decided to let Act 2 loose! You're lucky... hehehe... the intermission will be around sometime later... and after that, well... its a matter of getting the episodes out! (psst... if anyone has d/ls, i'm sure it'll help get the next act out!)

Basically, if u dont want to wait months... give some reviews and maybe an episode or two..

Nightpheonix: I WONT WATCH THEM!  
Seanait: Not even for our viewers? Our few faithful reviewers!  
Nightpheonix: Well... I can't believe I'm even considering this...  
Seanait: (grins)

enjoy! be warned... some British humor WILL be used here...

* * *

A general scuffle is heard backstage with some muttering. Some stage crew member runs across the stage and shoves a script into McKay's hands. 

McKay, off stage: What's this? It's a script. I can see that! So they want us to sing. NO! I think I have to agree with McKay on this one. See, we can agree on some things! Not really. Shut up, we're making a point. Fine. Fine! Fine.

Silence. All stare blankly.

Weir, off stage: …Oooookay then…just sing the song already.

The script calls for a well known Pink Floyd song.

McKay, off stage: Oooh, Pink Floyd, I love this album! I hate 'em. You hate everything. It's difficult to be a loving person when you have another consciousness stuck in your brain. No, you're always like this! Why, you little--! MCKAY, let's sing and get this over with! Right.

All goes silent as a little more squeakiness is heard when a wheeled drum set is pushed on stage with a drummer.

Drummer, with British accent: 'ello.

He starts to play and guitars join in. Voices float into the stage as McKay walks out… singing. The song is surely, and ironically, _Brain Damage_.

McKay: _The lunatic is in my brain_

_The lunatic is in my brain._

_Running around and dating games and laughs_

_Got to keep the loony off my path._

Rodney changes his stance and Cadman takes over.

Cadman: _The lunatic ain't having a ball_

_The scientists can't get on the ball._

_Rodney's behavior just keeps them on the ground floor_

_And every day the girl withstands some more._

Looking annoyed, Rodney gains control again.

McKay: _And if the cure doesn't present itself soon_

_And if I'm not going too crazy yet_

_And if my head explodes with Cadman in there too_

_Well, we'll see you in a dark forbidden room._

Cadman: _The lunatic must share his body_

_The lunatic must share his body._

_You do equations, you fix the prob _

_You separate us then we're sane._

McKay: _You throw the switch_

_And hope it all works out_

_There's someone in my head, it's scaring me._

Cadman: _And if I snap, I'll sound off in your ear_

_I shout, but no one seems to hear_

_And if your 'tude won't sing to a different tune,_

_We'll both be in that white, padded room._

Sheppard walks on stage: See, now that wasn't so bad was it?

Cadman: Are you kidding?

She rolls his eyes.

McKay: For once I have to agree with her… and where is that creepy laugh coming from?

A laugh, reminiscent of the one at the end of the song gets louder and closer. Rodney shies away in his own body.

McKay: Help…

Cadman: Hey! Let's go, I wanna fight him!

McKay: No, we're gonna stay here!

Cadman: No we are NOT!

McKay's body lurches side to side as the audience and AT-1 looks on in interest. Heightmeyer arrives on the scene.

Heightmeyer: Remember what I told you two about death… and dying… and no arguing!

McKay: Umm… yeah.

Heightmeyer: Well then… stop!

Cadman: Who do you think you are woman? God?

The lurching continues. Suddenly a loud rip is heard and Cadman climbs out of her McKay suit and runs off stage after the "Voice."

All are speechless.

Beckett: Uh.

Sheppard: Yeah.

Heightmeyer: Eh?

Teyla: Oh…

Ronon: DAMN STRAIGHT!

Weir, appearing on stage: Shut up Ronon.

She briskly straightens her hair, pats down her clothes, and looks lustfully at Rodney.

Weir: I found him… uh… um… du-a… err… I forgot where I found him actually.

She scratches her head.

Sheppard: We need to find Cadman I believe. Before she gets to Zelenka. Preferably.

Zelenka: Please…?

Teyla: Where did you come from?

Zelenka: My mother's stomach?

Teyla: Right…

Teyla picks up her knife and goes after Cadman.

Beckett: NO… TEYLA! WAIT!

He runs after her.

Sheppard: How come this is getting weirder and weirder by the moment? I mean, first you come back from… well… yeah, Cadman was you, sorta, and Zelenka is being pursued by Cadman. That's just wacky!

McKay: I know what you mean… I have this voice in my head and it won't come out.

Sheppard looks at him oddly. He walks over to McKay and taps his head.

Sheppard: Cadman? You in there?

McKay: Get away! Not you colonel, him!

Sheppard, disbelieving: Him huh?

McKay: Yeah, Ronon… right here – drooling over my shoulder.

Ronon: I was not drooling!

Sheppard: Ronon, you missed a spot.

He points to Ronon's bottom lip as he wipes it off.

Ronon: Right… I'd uh… better catch up with Teyla.

All look at him oddly.

Ronon, shrugs: It has to do with my powerful and warrior-like… uh… what's it… err...

Sheppard: Idiom?

Ronon: IDIOM!

He runs off.

McKay: Right, now clear off.

Beckett: Me?

McKay: No, him.

Beckett: Who Rodney?

McKay: Him.

Rodney points at his shoulder indignantly.

Beckett: There's no one there Rodney.

Sheppard: What?

McKay: Oh no, not you too!

Beckett: Who?

McKay: **Them! **Can't you see them?

Sheppard: Who?

McKay: For Chrissakes!

Beckett and Sheppard slowly leave. McKay looks his left shoulder in the eye.

McKay: Are you my conscious? No? You both are? Confusing!

He breaks down.

McKay: My brain hurts… can't… think… nooooo!

Left shoulder: We are both your conscious…

Right shoulder: But then again, we are neither.

McKay rocks back and forth: Can't think… hurt… pain. TOO COMPLICATED! It could… only be… the work of… KAVANAUGH!

Weir: That little rat bastard finally showed up for duty? Hmm…

She trots off again.

McKay: I'm gonna kiiiillll him.

Sheppard: McKay! What's wrong!

McKay: Kavanaugh!

Sheppard: Gasp!

Beckett: Kavanaugh!

Three other men: KAVANAUGH!

McKay: Where'd they come from?

Sheppard, shrugs: I hired them as our personal melodramatizers. Basically, we don't have to act.

Beckett: Shush! Weir'll hear!

Three men: Yes, hush!

Cadman, running in, out of breath.

McKay snickers: So much for being a track star.

Cadman: I'd pay to see you run around Atlantis in that time. Anyway, seen Zelenka?

Three men: He hides… he hides!

Cadman: Who're they?

Sheppard: Our merry men.

Cadman: Ah! Anyway, I think I was supposed to be chasing and chasing and chasing Zelenka all through the city and he was supposed to make things difficult. Apparently, someone changed that scene so now I can save my breath. Basically now I'm glad! I'm liking this scene!

Crowd in a distinct Monty Python accent: GET ON WITH IT!

The 'Voice:' Yes, get on with it!

Cadman: Okay…

Ancient appears in ceiling: GET ON WITH IT!

Sheppard: Sweet.

Cadman runs off looking misled.

All is silent as they think for a moment.

Weir pops her head in: SCRIPT!

She chucks one at John and he flips it open.

Weir, whispering: PAGE ONE!

Sheppard whispering back: THANK YOU!

Three men: Yes, THANK YOU!

Beckett: Shut up.

Sheppard: We are supposed to go offworld to find… umm… ZPMs.

McKay: We heard of this VERY big weapon that can blow things outta the sky.

Sheppard: And you can work it huh?

McKay: Of course I can! Duh!

Beckett: And you're not going to blow away three-fourths of a galaxy?

McKay: Hey, it would only be five-sixths by the way from the overload discharge!

Sheppard: I say we stick to the ZPMs. It's easier and well… I like trying to find these things! More offworld trips for us!

McKay: But this was the breakthrough of 10,000 years! Excuse the pun.

Beckett: Very funny Rodney.

Zelenka: He's right you know! Discovery of a lifetime!

Sheppard: Are you still being chased by Cadman?

Zelenka: I don't know actually.

He glances around warily. A betoweled Wraith jumps out and chases Zelenka.

Zelenka: AHHHH!

Beckett, Sheppard, McKay: AHHH!

They run away towards where the rest of the team is hiding in the commissary. The men see Teyla and Weir shiver as the commissary doors open and the guys run through and hide under a table.

McKay, in a small voice: Help…

Ronon skids in through the door with a rock star-diva pose with his arms spread like a star.

Ronon: Y'know what? I never wanted to be a Runner in the first place! I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK! (dramatic piano chord)

Sheppard: …WHAT!

Ronon: Naw, just messin' with ya.

A whole bunch of Wraith dressed in Mountie costumes come out on stage and stand in a group and hum. Ronon walks to center stage and takes a deep breath in.

Ronon: _Oh, I'm a runner and I'm okay, _

I run all night and shoot Wraith all day.

Wraith-Mounties: _He's a runner and he's okay, _

He runs all night and shoots Wraith all day.

Ronon: _I take down Darts, I eat my lunch, _

I go to the lava-try.

_On Wednesdays I go shopping _

And kill a Wraith or three.

Wraith-Mounties: _He takes down Darts, he eats his lunch, _

He goes to the lava-try.

On Wednesdays he goes shopping

And kills a Wraith or three.

He's a runner and he's okay,

He runs all night and shoots Wraith all day.

Ronon:_ I take down Darts, I sprint and stab, _

I like to stomp wild flowers.  
_  
I'm armed with many weapons, _

And never take any showers.

The Wraith-Mounties look at each other, becoming increasingly uneasy: _He takes down Darts, he sprints and stabs, _

He likes to stomp wild flowers.

He's armed with many weapons,

And never takes any...showers!

_He's a runner and he's okay, _

He runs all night and shoots Wraith all day.

Ronon: _I take down Darts, I capture Wraith, _

I like to eat them raw

I have their hearts for breakfast,

Much to everyone's awe.

Wraith-Mounties: _He takes down Darts, he captures Wraith, _

He likes to eat them... RAW?

The Wraith flee in terror. Ronon whips out a gun and shoots them all dead.

McKay: I will completely ignore the connotations of that song about Ronon being a transvestite.

Sheppard: A cross-dressing Ronon?

Teyla: I believe that is what you Earthlings call, "taking the word 'disturbing' to an entirely new level."

McKay: You sure got that right.

Dex, completely missing the conversation, comes over to them, reholstering his gun.

Ronon: What are you guys talking about?

Teyla, McKay, Sheppard: Uuhhh... nothing!

Ronon: Oh, good. I'm gonna go get some food.

He walks off humming the tune of "The Lumberjack Song." Suddenly, from offstage, we hear...

Ronon: _I take out Wraith, I wear high heels, _

Suspenders, and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie,

Just like my dear Papa!

McKay, Sheppard, and Teyla look after the noise, exchange horrified looks, then all run off to the opposite side of the stage. We hear retching and vomiting noises. The three come on at the same time as Ronon, who holds an armful of food.

Ronon: Hey, where were you guys?

They glare queasily. He munches thoughtfully, which seems to sicken them even more.

Ronon: You make me sad.

Weir: Get your sorry asses back in here!

They wipe the corners of their mouths and return standing as far away from Ronon as humanly possibly.

Weir: We have an agenda people!

A cardboard box representing a table slides out with chairs and the team quickly sits down so they won't anger their pissy, overhung commander.

Weir: I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO SIT DOWN YET!

They stand up.

Weir: I DIDN'T TELL YOU TO STAND UP!

They end up half sitting, kind of like a constipated squat.

She pulls out a chair and sits down. They cautiously follow her lead. Weir takes in a deep breath. There is silence for a good fifteen seconds.

Weir yells: ZPM's DEAD!

She runs off.

Sheppard: What?

McKay: The ZedPM's dead?

Ronon: Wtf?

McKay: THE ZEDPM'S DEAD! AHHHH!

Sheppard: Rodney, calm…

McKay: OH NO! We're gonna DIE!

He runs around wildly flailing his arms.

Teyla: Has he not lost it?

Ronon nods with Sheppard.

Sheppard: Wait! He's right!

McKay: OF COURSE I'M RIGHT!

He keeps running around screaming.

Sheppard: If we don't get the ZPM back up.. then… then… AHHHH!

McKay and Sheppard scream.

Ronon: Uh oh… they're right you know…

Sheppard and McKay: OF COURSE WE'RE RIGHT!

Sheppard and McKay conspire.

McKay: We must find a new one-sy…

Sheppard: Yessss…

McKay: Yesss… the preciousss ZedPMsss….

Teyla looks wary of the two Earthlings.

The puddlebox is slides out on stage and they males look at it.

Sheppard: Transportation!

McKay: Yess…

Sheppard: Shut up McKay… we gotta find a ZPM!

Ronon: Let us go then!

Sheppard, McKay, and Ronon: _We know you're out there somewhere _

Somewhere, somewhere

We know we'll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

And somehow you'll be known to us again

Sheppard: _The dawn is slowly rising _

We can see the 'gate open  
_  
And we've left the city we know behind _

In order to find you

The strength of our desperation

Is enough to scare the Wraith

'Cos the promise that we made to find you

_Haunts us to the end_

All: _We know you're out there somewhere _

Somewhere, somewhere

We know you're out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear our voices

We know we'll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

We know we'll find you somehow

And somehow you'll be known to us again

McKay: _The secret of your beauty _

And the mystery of your strength

We've been searching on every planet that we meet

_And the times we've been mistaken _

It's impossible to say

And the trouble is growing

Inside of our place

All: _We know you're out there somewhere _

Somewhere, somewhere

We know you're out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear our voices

We know we'll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

We know we'll find you somehow

And somehow you'll be known to us again

Ronon:_ From the example I remember _

Of the Atlantis gate opening

We were not so blind

We could see what you'd done

And to those who lack the courage

And say it's dangerous to try

Well they just don't know

With your energy, the Wraith will be denied

All: We know you're out there somewhere

Somewhere, somewhere

We know you're out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear our cries

We know we'll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

We know we'll find you somehow

And somehow you'll be known to us again

Sheppard: _Yes we know it's going to happen _

We can feel you getting near

And soon we'll be forthcoming

_To the place where you reside _

And if we wake up without power

In the darkness we'll fix you  
_  
ZPM, we'll come help you _

And protect you with our lives

All: _We know you're out there somewhere _

Somewhere, somewhere

We know you're out there somewhere

Somewhere you can hear our cries

We know we'll find you somehow

Somehow, somehow

We know we'll find you somehow

And somehow you'll be known to us again

Teyla rolls her eyes: Let's go.

She sits in the larger model of the earlier puddlebox.

The three men look at each other.

Sheppard: Let's go men! OFF INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER!

There is some pause as the jumper takes off.

McKay: Hey, this is roomy!

Teyla: Very, how did you get this model?

Ronon: There's different models?

Sheppard: Of course! You don't just think that Ancients worked on one size did ya? No this baby… oh isn't she pretty. I spray painted her myself.

He looks very proud of himself.

The other three edge away.

Sheppard: But I do miss my old jumper…

He sniffles. The other glance around quickly looking for something to say.

Teyla: Umm… your other one? She was… incorporated into this one… same systems but upgraded.

Sheppard, eyes alight: Really!

McKay: Yes, yes they are one and the same. Your little girl grown up to be a teenager I guess.

Sheppard: Good. Hey, we've neared the planet. Rodney, picking anything up?

McKay: Perhaps a sadistic and slightly crazy lieutenant, but not much else.

Teyla: Huh…

Sheppard: Really? That's different. Let's land!

Ronon: Might the 'lieutenant' be the one whose arse I almost kicked when I first meet you all?

Sheppard: That's him. Slightly mad he is.

Teyla: What a planet!

McKay: It's only a model.

Sheppard: Shh!

Ronon: Hey maybe I'll be able to take drugs and get super pumped down there!

Sheppard: Well…

He pulls out a checklist.

Sheppard: I think it's on the list… just before "Go on suicide mission."

Ronon: Sweet!

The puddlebox jumper lands smoothly.

All: Niiiiice.

Sheppard cloaks it.

McKay: It actually cloaks? How… how can… ? What!

A rock is tossed at Rodney. He looks in the direction from it was tossed and the cloak on the jumper shimmers innocently. The others have already started to walk away.

McKay: I'm gonna get you for that one day. Just you be warned!

He walks away and gets another rock tossed at him. He hisses.

McKay: I'm going to ignore that… I have to work on some Wraith Dart that can certainly beat you in a dogfight. Remember that well, box.

Sheppard: MCKAY! Come on, you need to prep the suicide mission!

They arrive in a cave with a table and food on it. Good looking food too...

Teyla and Ronon start to gobble down food even though they are not hungry.

Ford: I see your friends like our food.

Sheppard: 'Our' eh? There's more of you?

Ford: Oh yes… many moooore…. MHAHAHA!

People appear out of thin air at his sides.

Sheppard: Nice army lieutenant.

Ford: I can prove to you I'm not nuts man! Look at this strength! I can use it to anhilate you and the Wraith… I'm not nuts…

McKay: Of course not. Please come back?

Ford: NO! I AM ALMIGHTY FORD! NOTHING CAN STOP MY POWER!

McKay to Sheppard: Heck, it was worth a try, no?

Sheppard: Whatever…

Teyla and Ronon go at it.

Sheppard: Children children, I know you like each other, but isn't this going a little too far?

Ronon: Never! I love this blood lust!

McKay: Strange…

Sheppard: Yeah… that Dart ready?

McKay: Umm… unfortunately… yes…

Sheppard: Fun fun fun… I suppose you didn't happen to read the 'To Do' list did you?

McKay: I did…

Sheppard: Know what's next?

Ford, coming from nowhere: A crazy suicide mission for me… and you can't escape because I've come up with every single possibility and NOTHING CAN GO WRONG.

Sheppard: He's worse than you Rodney.

McKay: Yeah… waaay worse than- hey! What was that supposed to mean?

Sheppard shrugs and hops in the dart.

Guy: I'll take you!

McKay: I uh… want to prove that I'm sane to your God Ford… please?

Guy: Uh… I might, but no.

Sheppard flies away and scoops up Ford and his buddies. Off he goes into the atmosphere and into… SPACE!

Sheppard: Shut up! I guess I didn't know what I was getting into… this thing has its own ego booster? Oy.

He hits the consol as his directions are fading away.

Sheppard: Aww maaan! How am I going to know when to make that next left at the White Star? TomTom, what's the quickest way home?

TomTom in mechanical voice: Home? Do you mean Atlantis?

Sheppard: Uh yeah.

Ford's voice: YOU CAN NOT GO HOME! DID YOU LOSE YOUR DIRECTIONS?

Sheppard: Yes! And not so loud!

Ford's voice: Sorry… take…. THIS right.

Sheppard swings the Dart around sharply and in view is the Wraith hive ship.

Sheppard: Thanks I guess…

He drops them off.

Sheppard: Oops… lost a few… how sad…

Wraith controller: None shall pass!

Sheppard: What?

Wraith controller: None shall pass!

Sheppard: Hey, I'm running a mission here!

Wraith controller: Oh, ok…

The Wraith lets John go.

Sheppard: Right… Find Ford… push him off crevice? UH! Caldwell was scribbling in my notes again! That guy has got to get his OWN coloring book!

Ford, on radio: So much for a good shot!

Sheppard, on radio: Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Ford: Suuuure… keep quiet til I say so!

Sheppard: Dammit Ford… I gotta get out now!

Ford and company get into spectacular fight; Sheppard gets into his own scramble.

Ford's normal thoughts: _'So much for the enzyme eh?'_

They all get shot and dragged off to a holding cell.

Wraith Male: We want the dumbass that flew in here and alerted us to your presence. Our master wants a few words with him.

Ronon: In your dreams sucka!

Wraith shoots Ronon.

Sheppard: Well… you want me? Come and get me!

The Wraith grab Sheppard by the arms and drag him forward.

Sheppard: Okay… so you got me...

They all arrive in a big room and John is left alone.

The lights of the room in the "hive ship" dim dramatically and it is dark. Suddenly, a bright light illuminates John and he can see only the bottom half of at least six Wraith in front of him. He can tell that each Wraith has on arm on the one next to him.

The Wraith walk forward as a Spanish guitar is played.

Sheppard, muttering: Oh no… nonono…

They all stop and one of the Wraith breaks free of the line and comes forward menacingly. John can see all of him.

Head Wraith: John…

He startles.

Head Wraith, speaking in song: Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best...

The Wraith start a kick line in the background. The Head Wraith starts to dance around a bit.

Head Wraith: _And... always look on the bright side of life...  
_  
The kick line Wraith whistle a jolly little tune.

Head Wraith: _Always look on the light side of life_...

They whistle again. The team (off-stage) shakes their heads and feels terrible for Sheppard. What a form of torture! Ronon feels pretty dumb.

McKay, whispering: I didn't know a Wraith could whistle with those HUGE teeth… and a KICKLINE!

Head Wraith: _If life seems jolly rotten _

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

All Wraith: _And... always look on the bright side of life... _

The Wraith whistle again as the team looks on in horror. The Head Wraith has one those huge Fifties dancing smiles on his face. You know, the huge 'I'm-happy!' grin...

_Always look on the light side of life..._

_The kick line whistles again and starts to sing "Oooo…"_

Head Wraith_: For life is quite absurd _

And death's the final word

You must always face the curtain with a bow.

Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin

Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

All Wraith: So always look on the bright side of death

Just before you draw your terminal breath

Wraith whistle.

Head Wraith: _Life's a piece of shit _

When you look at it

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.

You'll see it's all a show

Keep 'em laughing as you go

Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

Kickline Wraith: _And always look on the bright side of life... _

Always look on the right side of life...

Head Wraith, shrugging comically: Come on John, cheer up!

The Wraith sing up a half an octave

Kickline Wraith: _Always look on the bright side of life..._  
_  
Always look on the right side of life..._

Head Wraith: Worse things happen at sea, you know.  
_  
Always look on the bright side of life..._

Head Wraith: I mean - what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!

_Always look on the right side of life... _

_Always look on the right side of life..._

The Head Wraith plunges his hand towards John's chest suddenly and the curtain falls sharply right before the Wraith touches Sheppard.

We can still hear the kick line Wraith singing and whistling.  
_  
Always look on the bright side of death! _

Always look on the right side of death!

Ronon, in a perfect Monty accent: Oh bloody hell!

* * *

TomTom is a new navigation system that has automated controls and what have you... I saw it on TV... 

hehehe... like the "Monty Python" act? tis the bloody brain child of the combined powers of Nightpheonix and I... tis the longest act in history! hehe...

oh just review... lol


	6. Intermission

we're sorry... we didnt know when to put out the intermission and so we kept putting it off and off and off... and having to do crew for a musical (Oliver!) doesn't help either... so, finally, here it is!

**ismisesteph - **ah! a Monty lover! glad to have ya aboard!  
**NenyaVilyaNenya - **also happy you're loving the madness!  
**puddles1311 - **_blushes _we're very happy you love it too!  
**Jennifer - **that's okay... the people in school (who are our friends) think we're losing it too when we quote from the Musicals.. hee hee...  
**JayneCobb09 - **give the credit for Ronon's song to nightpheonix... the kickline wasa result of utter boredom.. but glad you liked them both!

those who don't review, we hate those people... you dont give feedback! (we think our loyal reviewers are a bit biased ;) ) **WE WANT FEEDBACK! **

besides.. if you review, you get recognized up there

* * *

Intermission! 

The team lounge in comfy chairs, totally and utterly BORED.

"Now that we're not selling CITRUS INFUSED ITEMS!" McKay glared, "we can all relax." That was his lame attempt to start a conversation. A few of the cast chuckled softly. Again, there was a collective sigh as they all shuffled to get comfortable in their chairs.

"What's taking so long?" Sheppard pondered. At that very instant, a crew member came flying into the room.

"HA! I found you!" he shouted and pointed absurdly. It was their first amusement in over a week. Teyla idly banged her sticks together. The crew man gulped.

"So, what's taking so long!" John demanded to know.

"Well, we're ordering new backgrounds for Atlantis for one and…"

"New backgrounds?" Beckett blurted out in amusement. "What do you think this is? A television show?"

"Yeah!" Ronon yelled from his seat. The crew man shuffled his feet and refused to answer.

"We do we need anyway? Some new **sunrises**!" Sheppard exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Ronon blurted out again.

"Actually, I did notice that Mother Nature on this planet had either given up painting or got reeeally bored because…"

"What's you point Rodney?" Weir interrupted, still a bit cranky. McKay's eyebrows went up in surprise and he hastily remembered that old saying: "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn." McKay continued on in double time.

"WhatImeanisthatthesamesunrisehasbeenrisingformonths, that'sall," the scientist stated. The crew man looked slightly nervous again. Caldwell eyed him and he visibly shrunk.

"Hey! That's my move!" Rodney shouted at the poor man.

"Yeah!" sounded Ronon.

"Crew man, is there something you'd like to inform us of?" Caldwell asked slowly. Everyone's gaze turned to the little crew man with a ruffling of clothes.

"Hehe, nothing. We'restillorderingthosebackgroundsfortheshow. Imean… themusical." He started to scurry off as Seanait and Nightpheonix came into the room. He ran smack into them. Nightpheonix nodded briskly to Seanait who opened her notebook and wrote something in it.

"NOOOO!" the crew man screamed melodramatically.

"I haven't even written anything yet, sheesh." Seanait started to write again. The man cried out a second time. Nightpheonix rapped him with her pencil as she checked if Seanait was done.

"It wasn't anything bad you know," she reassured. He calmed down. "Well, not too bad." He opened his mouth and a mute thunk poured out along with a hollow cry.

The two girls grinned conspiratorially. Seanait nodded and hurried the man back to his post.

"That'll remind you to keep your mouth shut," she pat him on the shoulder. The room gasped and shuddered – the power of a fanfic writer's notebook was no joke.

"Now…" Nightpheonix smiled pleasantly. Caldwell instantly stood up and had a produced gun pointing at himself. He turned it around so the muzzle faced the girls.

"Sir, I wouldn't!" Sheppard tried to warn him, but he didn't listen.

"NOW WHOEVER YOU GIRLS ARE, YOU'D BEST GET –" He was cut short by a long ripping sound as his gun was turned into a large pin and his ripped pants fell down around his ankles.

The team gasped in horror – now scarred for life.

"Okay, that was just wrong!" McKay said in that high little 'help' voice of his. It was so cute sounding. Nightpheonix made a note to keep Rodney speaking like that.

"Yeah!" Teyla hit Ronon over the head.

"Now that we have you attention, we have been working on some new sunrises and sunsets," Nightpheonix started.

"Because the old ones were tri-chromatic," Seanait finished.

"What?" Beckett whispered to John.

"I don't know." He turned to McKay. "What?"

"How the bleep would I know?" he questioned back. McKay turned to Ronon. "What?"

"Three colors only."

"Ah! Three colors only," the scientist relayed back to Sheppard.

"Thanks, three colors only doc."

"Thank you colonel."

"No problem… just doing my duty," Sheppard responded.

Seanait stopped her mad writing craze and looked up at the group. Caldwell was trying to regain his status, but one quick three letter word quickly ended that.

"How about act three people?" Seanait asked with a small grin. Oh, she couldn't wait until Caldwell opened his mouth.

"YEAH!"

"Hic!" And several groans followed. The beauty of the word… its magnificence!

After several minutes, Nightpheonix and Seanait had finished discussing that next act which was rumored to include fuzzy Wraith, hot pink Fords, and repainting the jumper. A large amount of expletives exploded from mouths.

"What the bleep is this about?"

"Hic!"

"What the bleep are you trying here?"

"Yeah!"

"Wraith aren't that bleeping nuts…"

"And if they are, they must be a putts!"

"What the bloody bleep does P.W.L.P stand for?" Beckett inquired.

"And not only that, Bates sings a bit more?"

The onslaught of questions ended with the grins of the two fic writers. Those grins quickly escalated to full out laughing.

"What's wrong with them?" Sheppard pointed.

"I don't know, but Caldwell should put them in a pen," McKay quickly appointed.

"Yeah!"

"Hic?"

The girls left cracking up about rhymes and changing sunsets. The crew of Atlantis stared after them in fright and some awe. A lemon came flying through the door to hit McKay square in the head. There was a note attached to the citrus fruit.

McKay read it: "'It's time to go folks!' Oh no!"

"Maybe I should get my beau…" Weir wondered for no reason. After all, Simon **had** broken up with her. The first couple of people left the room to get on stage, but left Ronon, Caldwell, and Teyla together.

Teyla suddenly screamed "THREESOME!" and ran away. Ronon and Caldwell turned to each other.

"Hic!"

"Yeah…"

They left.

Several minutes later, a bright pink Wraith poked its head in the door. The other members of the Pink Wraith Liberal Party came in, took their places, and deliberated.

* * *

**we're serious about this... if enough people review we MIGHT put up an "Intermission Part 2"**

**so press that poor lonely button in the corner, make us happy!**

12/10/05


	7. Intermission Pt 2

Hey all! we decided to humor you until we Americans can actually **see **the newest Atlantis episodes... THIS FRIDAY - NEW EPIS! woot! (_calms down_)

nightpheonix: OMG! i cant wait!  
seanait: i know.. me neither  
np: you've already seen the next three...  
seanait: so? it's more exciting on tv  
np: good point...

**

* * *

**

**Intermission... part 2!**

"Hey! Lizbeth!" McKay called from backstage. "The fic writers have almost finished with the script and the backdrops just arrived! You coming or not?"

Weir heaved a dramatic sigh, hiding her elation well. "Regrettably, I can't come on for a few scenes. I have to go to an AAA meeting."

"What?" Rodney exploded. "You're leaving us all _alone_?"

"AAA?" Sheppard asked skeptically. "As in 'American Automobile Association?' Shouldn't it be more like APA?"

"APA?" Rodney said, giving John a strange sidelong look.

"Atlantean Puddlejumper Association," he shrugged, as if the answer should have been completely obvious.

Weir let out an aggravated sigh at the men's antics, ignoring the APA comment. "No, AAA as in, 'Atlantis Alcoholics Anonymous.'"

"But how can you be anonymous if everyone knows you're our leader?" McKay demanded.

Weir stared blankly for a second, then muttered venomously, "...shut up, I have a headache."

A member of the PWLP then popped out. "Umm, Lizzie? The meeting starts in five minutes."

Elizabeth sighed for the third time in the last minute. "Yes, thank you Phil, I'll be there in a second."

McKay and Sheppard stood in stunned silence for a second, before crowing with a mixture of incredulity, disgust, and amusement, "..._LIZZIE?_"

"Who named him Phil? He looked more like a Kevin to me..." John mused, making a frame with his fingers and centering the Wraith in it. "Yeah, definitely a Kevin," he decided.

"Phil's his real name," Weir deadpanned.

"They have real names?" McKay asked, amazed.

Elizabeth ignored the other two men and began to walk to where Phil had come out of. McKay and Sheppard exchanged glances, and then ran after her, protesting loudly.

"Are you sure this is such a good idea?"

"You're gonna need some back up."

"I mean, Wraith aren't ones to sit down and have meetings."

"Is he the only Wraith? I need to know what kind of firearms to bring."

"What is a Wraith doing here anyways?"

_"Shut up!_" Weir yelled at the top of her lungs, massaging her temples in a vain attempt to stop her headache. The two men cringed away from her. She growled under her breath, and turned to the two following her, pinching the bridge of her nose and squeezing her eyes shut. "Look, I've done this before. I know you're concerned, but I'm not, and I don't need your protection!"

"Fine! Don't blame us if you get yourself sucked," Rodney snapped. He turned around, but Sheppard grabbed him by his collar before he could go very far.

"Oh no you don't. We're staying here with Elizabeth to make sure she doesn't get attacked by Wraith.

McKay gurgled in response, but Sheppard got the definite feeling that the gurgle translated into, "No way."

"We might get to miss out on Act 3…" John said

Rodney gurgled once again, but this time it sounded more like, "I'm in." Sheppard let go of him.

"Okay, let's go!" They slowly crept into the meeting. The first thing they noticed was the outstanding shade of hot pink. McKay cluttered into something, knocking over a large pan which clattered to the floor.

"John? Rodney! What are you doing here?" Weir asked.

"Protecting you!" Sheppard responded, glancing around nervously.

"I thought this was an AAA meeting!" Rodney hissed, beginning to freak out.

"It is," Elizabeth deadpanned. "A joint meeting between the PWLP and AAA."

"Are we the only humans here?" McKay asked, still flipping out.

"Order!" the head Wraith called, using the mind-reverb voice to get everyone's attention. The humans in the room visibly shuddered, but he simply went on, ignoring them. "We call this meeting to deal with the rising issue of our new rival party, the BGWCP."

"BGWCP?" McKay asked with quite a bit of trepidation.

"Bright-Green Wraith Conservative Party," the secretary said dully. The other Wraith in the room hissed in disgust, an effect that profoundly freaked out the team, who scooted as far away as was possible without being rude.

Before the meeting could continue, however, the two fic writers burst into the conference room.

"_There_ you are!" Seanait hollered. "We've been looking all over for you! Now get over here! We need to start Act 3 _now_!"

"Wait, Seanait!" Nightpheonix cried. "Shouldn't we discuss this? The BGWCP has so much potential to be funny!"

"Hey, we've had to wait to see 'The Hive' so we can start Act 3 for over 100 days. I'm not going to be held up on writing it by _them_!" Seanait hissed, pointing violently at the group.

"Good point," Nightpheonix conceded. She then turned to the two men and screeched, "Yeah, you two! Get out on that stage, and get cracking!"

"Hold on, that's not fair!" Sheppard protested.

"Yeah!" McKay agreed. "How come we have to go with you, but Weir gets to stay in her meeting?"

"Because it's scripted," they said flatly in unison.

The men paused a second. "What?" Sheppard finally said incredulously.

"Hey, we need her to rehab so we can actually give her a decent part," Nightpheonix defended.

"Yeah!" Seanait agreed. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to work with drunken actors?"

"Funny as they may be," Nightpheonix put in.

"Besides," Seanait continued with a devilish grin, "withdrawal is _much_ funnier."

"Withdrawal?" the three team members asked in horror.

"Have we got plans for the next act!" Nightpheonix said with a sunny smile that was somehow incredibly threatening. With that, the two fic writers stalked off, discussing the new episodes and scenes with great fervor, and leaving their actors standing in dread.

* * *

hehehehe, until next time folks! 


	8. Act 3

**OMG! WE'RE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY! **As you all well know, it does take us a while to formulate an Act, but this has kinda been unexcusable...

okay, i was gonna get this up last night, but i forgot my password, then it turns out that i couldnt get my password because my email account was deleted... today i remembered the password though, so we're good!

this one was written by partner-in-crime nightpheonix... we both love it and we hope you do too! Act 4 will hopefully be coming soon so we can start the third season!

**TortieKitten** - like i said, we're so sorry this took forever! i hope to get the next one out soon!  
**Dr.E.Vance** - PWLP stands for Pink Wraith Liberation Party! we're glad you liked the last chapter!  
**puddles1311** - oh i know, being american means we have to wait for EVERYTHING! including this story apparently.  
**NenyaVilyaNenya** - lol, we dont have anything up our sleeves besides singing wraith... and Atlantis... lol, thanks!  
**sparklegem** - really? i didnt know that David Hewlett could actually sing! thanks for that!

Again, thank you all for all your patience! Thank you for waiting for us and sticking this out! I hope this chapter proves to be another hilarious act!

* * *

ACT 3

The stage is dark. A single spotlight turns on and illuminates McKay, Teyla, and Ronon sitting against the wall in corner of the stage. McKay is repeatedly banging the back of his head against the wall.

McKay: No way out… (_thud_) no way out…(_thud_)…no way out…(_thud_)

Suddenly, we hear a loud _thump_ from the edge of the stage. That is followed by a series of gasps, and shuffling noises. Suddenly, Sheppard dramatically drags himself into the spotlight, gasping as he slides along. He stops just in front of his three teammates, then collapses and passes out cold. Teyla goes over to him.

Teyla: What horror could he have gone through that would make him this way?

Sheppard, deliriously: KICKLINE!

Teyla: What?

Sheppard, in horror: ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!

He begins to whistle a little ditty and gibber mindlessly to himself. Ronon stands up, bends over, and delivers a solid smack to Sheppard's face. The colonel looks stunned for a second, then shakes his head and recovers.

Sheppard: Thanks, I needed that.

Ronon: Any time.

McKay: I thought the Head Wraith was about to suck you dry! How did you escape?

Mysterious Offstage Voice: I saved him!

The band strikes a dramatic note as the late (or not-so-late) Dr. Peter Grodin steps into the spotlight.

McKay: (splutters) You—how—I—how come neither Sheppard or Grodin are dead? They both should be dead!

Grodin: Well, I'll show you!

Deep Narrator Voice: FLASHBACK!

_The Head Wraith plunges his hand towards John's chest suddenly and the curtain falls sharply right before the Wraith touches Sheppard. Then, the show went on hiatus and the authors received a case of writer's block due to the extreme emotional distress this caused. In this state, the authors decided to write Grodin a part in the musical, because they missed him and couldn't think of a better idea. Anyways, Grodin drops from the ceiling._

_Grodin: Noooooo!_

_Splat._

_The Head Wraith is flattened. Grodin manages an actually graceful moment as he bounces into a triumphant-looking standing position. _

_Sheppard: Grodin!_

_Grodin looks very proud._

_Head Wraith: Help! I've fallen, and I can't get up! _

_McKay: This is pretty lame._

_Sheppard: Get out of here, McKay, this is **my** flashback!_

_McKay: Fiiiine…_

Deep Narrator Voice: END FLASHBACK!

Grodin: So that's what happened.

Sheppard: Speaking of flashbacks, where are Ford and his men?

McKay: Erhm…off.

Teyla: Somewhere.

Ronon: Out there.

They all wave vaguely. Sheppard nods, choosing not to ask. Ford and his men were expendable characters anyway.

Sheppard: So…anyone got a plan?

Ronon: Well, since we really haven't been detained at all, I figure we can just walk out.

The entire room lights up, revealing…an empty stage.

Sheppard: Oh.

McKay: (leans over) It's a conceptual set. Hasn't been built yet. We're supposed to _imagine_ we're running through a Hive Ship.

Sheppard: Oh God, not those damn budget cuts again! That joke is getting really old!

An idea suddenly occurs to everyone at once. They all reach into their pockets, looking for evidence that the musical really isn't that cheap. When they come up with no money, they realize that indeed, the fearsome Budget Cuts have struck again.

Grodin: Like money would be any use out here in the Pegasus Galaxy anyway…

Sheppard: Sshh! Now they'll never pay us!

McKay: We get paid?

Sheppard: Of course we get paid!

Teyla and Ronon: _We_ don't get paid.

McKay: No, really, I haven't seen a single check for all this work I do.

Grodin: Come to think of it, I never saw one either…

Sheppard, grudgingly: Yeah, me neither.

McKay: Told you so.

Rodney turns smugly and begins to walk away.

Sheppard exasperated: Where are you going, Rodney?

McKay turns around: Um…over there. To…do…something smart.

Sheppard rolls his eyes: You go do that, McKay.

Rodney storms off stage left, looking very peeved that his dramatic, triumphant exit was foiled. Sheppard snickers to himself. The four still onstage wait for something interesting to happen. Suddenly, Rodney comes streaking back onstage, screaming.

McKay: WRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITH!

He bolts behind Ronon. The rest of the group stare offstage, alert.

Sheppard: Where are they?

Teyla: I cannot sense them!

McKay, cowering behind Ronon: They're not really there, so just pretend.

They drop their alert stances and turn to glower at McKay.

McKay: What?

They continue to glare.

McKay: Hey, I'm just trying to advance the plot!

Sheppard: Just go back offstage, Oh Boy Who Cried Wraith.

McKay: Well EXC-UUUUUSE me for trying to GET US OUT OF HERE! (he is becoming increasingly hysterical, and his voice cracks) AND ALSO...(cough) I...(wheeze)...

He deteriorates into indistinguishable coughs and gasps.

Sheppard: What are you trying to say, Rodney?

McKay tries to talk, but nothing is coming out. He looks like he is going to start crying. He makes a whole bunch of bizarre hand motions to the team, and then begins to walk offstage.

Sheppard and Teyla and Ronon and Grodin: Wait!

McKay turns around, aggravated, and holds up ten fingers.

Sheppard: ...ooh! Charades!

Grodin: Ten words...

Rodney holds up one finger.

Teyla: First word...

He holds up one finger again.

Teyla: ...one syllable.

He holds his fingers very close together.

Sheppard: Small word. Uhh..."is." "Am."

Teyla: "A." "The."

Grodin: "My." MY!

He nods vigorously and points at Grodin. He holds up two fingers, then one.

Grodin: Second word...one syllable.

McKay points to his throat.

Grodin: Neck.

Sheppard: Vampires!

All stop and glare. Rodney looks like he wants to flip him off, but regains his composure and begins to rapidly point at his throat again. Silence. In a change of strategy, he grabs around his own neck.

Grodin: Choke?

Teyla: Swallow?

Rodney gives up and tries something completely different. He opens his mouth and points in it.

Sheppard: Eat.

McKay shakes his head and points into his mouth more and more violently. Still no one gets it. He points so hard that he accidentally pokes himself in the throat and he starts gagging.

Sheppard: We already guessed choke, Rodney.

Teyla: Sounds like...

Rodney begins to mime digging a circle around himself.

Sheppard: Trench. Uh...moat!

McKay throws his hands in the air in victory. However, the battle is only half won...

Sheppard: Goat.

Teyla: Note?

Grodin: Uh...boat. Float.

Rodney begins jumping up and down in rage. He mouths swears, but they don't come out, which only serves to make him even angrier.

Ronon, deadpan: His throat is sore and he's getting some cough syrup.

All stare in amazement. McKay gestures to Ronon wildly, and then happily stalks off to get some medicine. Grodin, Teyla and John are left gaping at Ronon.

Sheppard:...how...?

Ronon shrugs: I like Charades.

The four stand awkwardly in silence onstage for a few minutes, waiting for McKay to come back. The keep checking their watches and occasionally someone lets out a little cough.

Sheppard: Alright, where is that little weasel?

Ronon: Let's leave him here. Teach 'im a lesson.

Grodin and Teyla: RONON!

Sheppard: No, no, we can't leave without him. (He leans over to Ronon when the other two aren't looking and whispers) We'll ditch the rest of them in five minutes.

Ronon smirks triumphantly. He looks wistfully into the distance. Suddenly, the Wraith Queen stalks out onto the stage.

Wraith Queen: Ha HA!

All go to draw their weapons, but realize that they were taken away back in Act 2 and they haven't stolen them back yet.

Ronon: Crap.

Wraith Queen: Ph33r the wrath of my rendition of bad 90's pop dance music!

Sheppard: Oh _no._

Wraith Queen: _Yes!_

She laughs manically for a second, then stomps out to center stage and begins hissing the lyrics to a far too well-known one-hit wonder...

Wraith Queen: _Who let the Wraith out?_

Wraith chorus: _Who? Who! Who! Who!_

Sheppard: AARGHH!

For every 'who' another Wraith drops down from the ceiling

Wraith Queen: _Who let the Wraith out?_

Chorus: _Who? Who! Who! Who!_

Cue bongo drums. Lights start flashing disco-style and all of the Wraith jump to the beat.

Wraith Queen: _Well the culling was nice,__  
__the culling was pumpin'_

Chorus: _Yippie-yi-yo!_

Wraith Queen: _And everybody havin' a ball!_

Chorus: _Ha! Ho! Yippie-yi-yo!_

Wraith Queen:_ I tell the fellas start--_

Voice offstage: NOT SO FAST!

The bongo drums stop, the lights stop flickering and all look towards the mysterious voice. McKay suddenly jumps onstage. The band strikes up a triumphant fanfare. He has a slightly manic grin on his face, and he looks like he's about to pop. He walks to center stage, to the beat of his new theme song, opens his mouth to say something eloquent and amazing, but all that comes out is...

McKay: Hee!

The band comes to a screeching halt, as if all the instruments broke at the same time. He begins to babble.

McKay: Something-really-funny-happened-while-I-was-getting-cough-syrup, you-know-how-the-wraith-do-that-thing-where-they-suck-your-chest-with-their-hands-and-you-get-all-dead-and-stuff? Well-I walked-into-this-Wraith-and-I-swear-he-was-gonna-suck-me-but-he-didn't-he-just-walked-right-by-I-guess-he-didn't-notice-me-or-sumthin. That-cough-syrup-really-packs-a-punch-I-guess-cuz-I-feel-really-better-and-the-Wraith-probably-didn't-try-to-suck-me-cuz-I'm-so-AWESOME!

The Wraith all bend over in pain and clap their hands over their ears.

Wraith Queen: AAAHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Their heads implode. All wince. McKay lets out a little giggle and begins wobbling where he stands. He faints..."passes out"...and hits the stage with a loud _thunk_. A bottle of bright red liquid falls out of his hand and rolls over to Sheppard's feet. He picks it up, carefully unscrews the lid, and smells it.

Sheppard, very profoundly: Cough syrup.

Shock and awe.

Teyla, Grodin and Ronon: What?

Sheppard, still profound: Codeine cherry cough syrup.

Grodin: Oh dear.

Ronon: How can you get drugged on cough syrup?

Sheppard: This is McKay we're talking about.

Ronon: True enough.

Teyla: How are we going to get out of here now?

Rodney has regained consciousness. He seems to have gone from insanely hyped up to a mellowed out daze. He sits up and puts himself in a cross-legged position. He giggles. John walks over to him and holds up the bottle of cherry cough syrup.

Sheppard: Where'd you get this Rodney?

McKay: Heehee, stole't frum Beck'tt. Yup, I did!

He sways back and forth a little.

McKay: Don't got no cough now!

Sheppard walks away to the rest of the group.

Sheppard: He's wasted. Completely.

Teyla: But we need Dr. McKay to help us get off the ship!

Rodney's swaying has become more pronounced. He begins singing to himself in a slurred, screechy, high pitched voice.

McKay:_ Those raindrops are fallin' on m'head, they keeep fallin'__  
__So I just did me some talkin' to the sunn..._

Ronon: We don't have any way off the Hive.

McKay: _...and I said I did hmm de la de da do dum daaa,__  
__I don't know the woooords..._

Sheppard: I know, I know…can't we drive the damn Hive Ship or something?

McKay:_ ...But there'z one thiiiiing I knoooow,__  
__But it's not th' lyrics de de da..._

Grodin: You're forgetting again that the Hive Ship is a conceptual set piece, and we probably have to pull off some sort of amazing stunt before they change the set back to Atlantis again.

McKay:_ ...Because I'm free,__  
__Nothin's worryin'...meeeeeeee!_

He holds the note, leaning back further and further back as he continues his yowling. He then falls backwards on his head and goes silent.

Sheppard: Crap.

Ronon: So what do we do now?

Teyla: Perhaps if we find the Dart bay, we might be able to find a means of escape.

Sheppard: What Dart bay? I hate navigating conceptual sets! God, how am I supposed to get anywhere?

He paces furiously around the stage. A bunch of cardboard triangles get lobbed onstage.

Grodin: Ah…I believe we've found the Dart bay.

Sheppard: Hmm…

The colonel is getting a dangerous idea, staring at the cardboard darts. He walks over to them, paces in a circle, and then whips a roll of duct tape out of his vest. He begins to grab the triangles and sloppily tape them together. The others stare in confusion. After a moment, he steps away from his creation.

Sheppard: Ta da!

John has recreated the puddlebox from the first musical, using the Darts which are cut-up pieces of the original puddlebox. The results look…sketchy, at best.

Sheppard, proudly: Ah, my good old original puddlebox!

He pats it affectionately. However, the box does not react to his touch. He frowns.

Sheppard: McKay, what's—

Rodney gurgles and grins.

Sheppard: …never mind. (turns to Peter) Grodin, what's wrong with this thing?

Grodin: Maybe it's a piece of crap?

Sheppard: No, no, no! Why isn't it working?

Peter sighs dramatically.

Grodin, clearly making it all up: Oh, something must be wrong with the… connection …between the interfaces …of the pieces of the puddlebox. It couldn't possibly fly.

The colonel takes the duct tape and begins to put more tape over the pieces. When he is done, he touches the box again. For some bizarre reason, it works this time. He looks proudly at Peter.

Sheppard: How 'bout now?

Grodin: Uh, now it's fine.

Sheppard: So…who wants to fly us out of here?

Everyone takes one step back, including John himself. When he realizes everyone else has reacted the same way as he did, he throws his hands up in frustration.

Sheppard: Oh, come on guys! It's not _that_ dangerous!

Teyla: I do not think you taped the bottom very well, colonel.

Ronon: Don't think you taped the rest of it very well, either.

McKay: It's juuuuuunk.

Grodin: I'm dead, and I'm _still_ afraid of the bloody thing. That should tell you something.

The mournful tune of Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever" starts up. John solemnly puts a hand on the makeshift puddlebox and begins to sing.

Sheppard: _There's no time for this.__  
__There's no place for this.__  
__What is this thing that saves our lives,__  
__Yet flies away from us?__  
__Who wants to fly the jumper?__  
__Who wants to fly the jumper...?_

Ascended Ancient chorus: _Oooooohh…_

All look up at the sound of the chorus coming from somewhere above them. John shrugs as he continues his song.

Sheppard: _There's no chance for us,__  
__It's all decided for us.__  
__The Wraith won't give us one sweet moment,__  
__They have it in for us,__  
__Who wants to fly the jumper?__  
__Who wants to fly the jumper...?_

Ascended Ancient chorus: _Ooooo-ooo-oooohh…__  
_

Sheppard: _Who makes a run for the jumper, __  
Ahhhh, w__hen we'll just die?__  
__But we sneak by and surpass__  
__Escape this world with Wraith on our ass,__  
__And we can fly the jumper,__  
__And we can love the jumper,__  
__The jumper takes us away.__  
__Who wants to fly the jumper?__  
__Who wants to fly the jumper?__  
__The jumper takes us away.  
Who's gonna fly it anyway?_

The entire group remains in somber contemplation at this emotional song.

Teyla: That was…moving, John.

Sheppard: So does that mean you want to fly it?

All: _Hell_ no!

The somber mood is gone. Sheppard is crestfallen.

Ronon: You gotta fly it.

Sheppard: What?

Grodin: He's right, colonel. Teyla and Ronon can't fly it because they don't have the gene, I can't fly it because I'm dead, McKay's too--

McKay, cheerfully: Cough syrrupped!

Grodin: --to do anything. That leaves you.

Teyla: After all, it is your…"baby."

Teyla looks disgusted at having to use the word. However, it does have the desired effect.

Sheppard: Oh, alright. As long as the crew changes to the Atlantis set soon.

They all pile in (or in McKay's case, thrown in by Ronon) to the puddlebox and it jerkily hovers above the ground. After a minute or so of zooming around the conceptual set, the crew finally changes the scene to Atlantis, including the new sunset backdrops that were finally shipped in.

Teyla: Ooh.

Ronon: Hey, when did you ditch the tri-chromatic sunsets?

Sheppard: Just during intermission actually.

The five stare out and appreciate the more realistic sunset. Even Rodney is sane enough to be able to stick his nose over the edge of the box and see the sights.

McKay: Hey, guys. I think I'm feeling bett-

As if on cue, the puddlebox falls from the sky. Everyone inside screams as it plummets. Someone runs onstage with a blue cloth, and spreads it out under the path of the box's descent. The box and its occupants land hard on the floor. Everyone is shaken up, but relatively unhurt.

Sheppard: Whew! Now was that so bad?

Ronon: What's with the blue fabric?

Someone offstage: IT'S WATER!

All blink.

Offstage person: YOU'RE SINKING!

Sheppard: Ah.

Teyla: Oh no.

McKay: Whatever will we do?

Grodin: Someone please help.

Sheppard: We're still on the surface, maybe we can--

The puddlebox suddenly bucks, launching everyone into the air. McKay is thrown straight up, and lands directly back into the box, which immediately flips upside-down, trapping him under it. A crew member runs onstage, yanks the blue cloth out from under the jumper, and then throws it on top of the ship. After a short pause of consideration, he tapes a sign made of notebook paper and Magic Marker that reads "THIS JUMPER IS SUNK" to the lump under the fabric.

Teyla: (whispering to the others) Quick, we must exit stage right!

Grodin, quickly: We, uh…must get back to Atlantis to mount a rescue operation!

Sheppard: Ooh, that was a good adlib, Peter.

Ronon: Wait…what?

Sheppard: It's a change of scenery, shush!

The four remaining run offstage, as the lights begin to dim. The only remaining lights are tinted blue. A bunch of people stand in the back of the auditorium, using small mirrors to create watery reflections on the back wall of the stage. The effect is actually pretty cool, even though it's incredibly low budget and the people with the mirrors look pretty irritated at having to do this for the entire scene. The puddlebox is the only thing onstage. We hear thumping noises from inside it.

McKay, distantly: Hey! You stupid box, let me out! I'm too important to die!

As if in response to this, the box flips onto its side, so the opening faces the audience. Rodney is now sprawled awkwardly from the flip, limbs in a deadly tangle. He manages to get into a more comfortable position without losing too much of his dignity.

McKay: (very dramatic sigh) Great, just great! I get hauled onto a Hive Ship, become totally wasted from a bottle of cough syrup, dragged into a jumper made of a cardboard box of questionable integrity (he gets increasingly hysterical), and to top it all off I'm stuck in the bottom of the frigging ocean! What else could go wrong?

Suddenly, Samantha Carter appears beside him. He practically goes through the roof. Sam, however, does not notice. She has five playing cards in her hand, and is looking at them contemplatively.

Carter: I'll see that fifty and raise you—

She stops and looks around, realizing she has disappeared from her poker game. When her eyes finally land on McKay, it all clicks.

Carter, brightly: Ah, stuck in the bottom of the ocean again, eh, Rodney?

She pockets her hand of cards. When she sees Rodney staring at her strangely, she offers an explanation.

Carter: Oh, it's Poker Night in your mind.

This explanation does not do much to alleviate McKay's worries.

McKay: (squeaks) How many other people are in there?

Carter: Uhh…now's not such a good time to tell you that.

Rodney rolls his head back and groans toward the skies, mentally begging whatever god that hates him so much to stop, please. He moodily hits one of the box's flaps. Suddenly, he sits up straight, struck by a sudden idea.

McKay: Wait, I've got it!

He stands straight up, colliding with the ceiling. The duct tape holding the pieces of the ceiling together comes unstuck. With a strangled yelp, McKay fumbles the pieces closed, hoping no one has noticed and plans to flood the "leaking" jumper with water. Sam has been watching this entire occurrence with no small amount of amusement.

Carter: What have you got?

McKay: Cardboard gets soggy when it's underwater!

Carter: …wow, Rodney. That's…that's real groundbreaking. What would we ever do without you?

McKay: No, no, no, you don't understand! Since this cardboard isn't soggy, that has to mean it isn't wet, and if it's not wet, then I'm not underwater, and if I'm not underwater, I can step out onstage and walk away and nothing will happen to me!

Sam blinks.

Carter: McKay, that's got to be the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

He completely ignores this.

McKay: So long, suckers!

He brazenly steps out of the box. He is promptly nailed in the face by a bucket of ice water. He yelps and scrambles back into a box with a laughing Carter.

McKay: Oh, shut up.

Carter: Pressure's on, McKay.

The addictive baseline riff of Queen's "Under Pressure" kicks in. McKay and Carter begin to snap and clap to the beat.

Both: _Pressure!_

McKay:_ Pushing down on me,  
Pressing down on you,  
Wait, you're me too._

Both: _Under pressure._

Carter: _As the clock's winding down,  
Your time's running out,  
Air and power too._

Sea monster: _Um dee do, dee da da, dee dada, dee da da, that's okay!_

McKay: _That's the terror of knowing  
That you're dead, there's no doubt.  
Claustrophobia sets in,  
Screaming, "Let me out!"_

Carter: _Well, the currents,  
Take you lower._

Both: _Pressure on jumpers,  
Jumpers that sink._

Sea monster: _Day dada, do do do dodo, okay!_

Carter: _Fiddling around,  
Will only make it worse  
If you screw up,  
You'll find yourself in a hearse._

Both: _Jumpers that sink.  
Dee da dee da day  
Jumpers that sink.  
Dee da dee da dee da dee da_

McKay: _That's the terror of knowing  
That you're dead, there's no doubt.  
Claustrophobia sets in,  
Screaming, "Let me out!"_

Carter: _Well, the currents,  
Take you lower, lower, loooooowwww…_

Both: _Pressure on jumpers,  
Jumpers that sink._

McKay: _I'm trapped in a box  
In the ocean.  
All my ideas, they just don't work._

Carter: _If you keep it up,  
You're gonna kill us both._

McKay: _Why? Why? Whyyyyyyyy…?_

Carter: _Sheesh!_ (echoes)_  
Insanity laughs, McKay's hallucinating._

McKay: _Can't I get a break just this once?  
Why can't this happen to someone else?  
Why does this happen, happen, happen?_

_Happen, happen, happen, happen… ?_ (repeats and fades)

Carter: _'Cause you're petty, arrogant, and  
Bad with people, can't you see you're  
Arguing with yourself over ways out?  
And when this fails, just don't say that  
I didn't warn yo-ou,  
This is your last chance.  
This is McKay,  
Under pressure._

McKay: _Under pressure._

Sea monster: _Under pressure._

McKay and Carter: _Pressure._

The song finishes. McKay looks a little dazed, as if wondering whether or not his singing has anything to do with his head injury.

Carter, prompting: And the moral of the song…?

McKay: …uh, same shit, different day?

Carter: (sigh) Close enough.

Suddenly, the underwater effects disappear, the lights come on full, the shimmery mirror reflections stop. McKay looks very confused. Did he just actually escape? Carter, however shows no such restraint.

Carter: See ya.

She disappears. Rodney blinks and stares at the spot where Carter had been for a few seconds. Then he cautiously sticks his head out of the box, making sure that this isn't some evil device to move the plot forward. When it seems safe, he steps out. Sheppard and Zelenka bound onstage.

Sheppard: Rodney! You're alive!

McKay looks down at himself as if to make sure Sheppard's right.

Zelenka: We weren't sure whether or not the rescue would work!

McKay: Rescue? You guys didn't do anything! The underwater lights and sound effects just turned off!

Sheppard and Zelenka nod in a 'duh' fashion. Rodney squints up into the back of the auditorium and sees the lights and sounds guys cowering.

McKay: Aww, you guys threatened and/or tortured the techies to save me?

John and Zelenka look quite proud of themselves.

McKay: That's…that's almost touching, in a profoundly disturbing sort of way.

Sheppard: Yeah, well, we needed you for the next act.

McKay, warily: What happens in the next act…?

Zelenka: Uhh…

Sheppard: Suffice to say, it's gonna be a killer finale!

Zelenka, to himself: Literally.

Rodney's eyes widen, looking quite afraid. The lights dim and the three go offstage, to prepare for the monstrous predicament that is…ACT FOUR!

* * *

hehehe, sooooo... you like it enough to wait for Act Four? PLEASE SAY YES! Please tell us what you thought of it! 


	9. Act 4

okay... yeah remember what i said about that OTHER act being the longest i've ever done? thats a load of crud... this act is 16 pages long in Word... god, i cant believe i wrote that much...

anyway, so sorry about the delay - not too terrible considering how long this is... i hope you all enjoy it as much as nightpheonix and i did! it gets a bit strange towards the bottom, that is officially nightpheonix's fault! she gave me the founding ideas! again, i hope this is up to par and that it was worth the wait!

Loyal Reviewers:

**fififolle** - yay! we're very happy you loved the last act! lol, great things come slowly, is that it? happy you enjoyed insanity and beware of tea, it chokes people!  
**AFoE** - sorry it took forever! i'm glad you found your way to us again and enjoyed the last act! cough syrup is a killer... and ronon is quite good at charades, you should play him!  
**puddles1311** - lol, again, sorry it took so long, but at least this wait wasn't long at all! only a week or so! we hope you throughly enjoy this act as much as the last!  
**NenyaVilyaNenya** - oh yeah, duct tape is da bomb! sheppard might have to might a multi-colored puddlebox soon, hmm... thanks for the great reviews! hope you enjoy!  
**Lady Sidera** - awww, thanks! glad you thought we havent completely lost anything over the summer... whether it be touch or brains... lol, good insanity, you'll like this one i think

thanks for the great long reviews! they really help us out! we love our pool of loyal reviewers, it makes us happy that people read and greatly enjoy something we put a lot of time into! THANKS! _(hugs loyals) _for you non-loyal folk, no hugs! that is until you review!

anyway, onto the next act... Act 4!

**

* * *

Act 4**

The stage crew is lounging around when a sudden call on their radios makes them jump into action. Hastily, they erect the cardboard stargate from before and scurry offstage to watch a spectacular crash.

AT-1 is sitting in the taped jumper which is sputtering black fumes out its exhaust.

Sheppard: Puddleboxes have exhaust pipes?

McKay: Shush! Don't interrupt the narrator! We need to know what's happening to us!

Ronon: Well… there's a stargate.

Sheppard: Not again…

The team barely flies through the stargate and suddenly they are heading straight for a wall with a drawing on it.

McKay: Hey, what's that?

All peer at the drawing.

Teyla: It looks an awful like the main spire in Atlantis.

Ronon: Damn, you're good at Pictionary!

Teyla smiles shyly.

The puddlebox crumples into the wall. All are unconscious. Quickly, the set changes. Now the drawing is surrounded by trees and people are behind the team.

Weir: Heh, poor bastards.

McKay: Psst! You're not supposed to be here!

Weir: Whatever…

She walks off.

Sheppard: Oh, you people look awfully rich, can we trade with you?

Otho: No! The Lord Protector's health is failing and I intend to take the throne after you give me your ATA therapy!

Sheppard: Um, what ATA therapy am I going to give you if I did?

McKay: Yeah stupid…

Beckett pops in with an ATA gene therapy vial.

Beckett: This therapy.

Otho takes it and Beckett runs off.

Otho: Ha HA, now I have your gene therapy and I can take over the planet! MHAHA!

Ronon: Go to hell.

Otho: NEVER!

He attacks Sheppard with a knife.

Sheppard: Wow, that's lame.

Sheppard shoots Otho.

Teyla: Nice shot colonel.

Sheppard: Thank you.

McKay: Wait, that was too easy! Weren't you still supposed to have an affair and stuff?

Sheppard: SHUSH! I already lived through it once and I don't want to do it again.

Teyla and Ronon start chuckling.

Sheppard: What?

Teyla: I'm sure you thoroughly enjoyed your stay here last time colonel.

McKay: Captain Kirk…

All but Sheppard start laughing outright.

Sheppard grumbles.

Sheppard: Let's get going…

All pile into the puddlebox again and fly off back through the stargate, which promptly falls down after they fly through.

The HUD comes up in the puddlebox.

McKay: How did you…? That's not remotely possible!

Sheppard shrugs: I told you it was my baby gal!

The HUD flickers in and out and beeps indignantly.

Teyla: Look out there! There are two floating boxes!

Two small cardboard boxes are hanging from the ceiling.

Sheppard: Great! More materials to make puddleboxes! Yes!

All look at Sheppard in disbelief.

Sheppard: I like my puddleboxes.

McKay rolls his eyes.

Ronon: At any rate, let's pick them up.

McKay: Looks like UPS delivered to the wrong the address.

Ronon: UPS?

McKay: Universal Packaging Service.

Sheppard: Shut up McKay.

Sheppard centers the puddlebox under the two new cardboard boxes and snips the strings holding them in place.

McKay: Where'd you get those scissors?

Sheppard: What these? How else did you expect me to cut the duct tape to precise standards?

Ronon: Ripping by your teeth is SO last year.

Teyla: It's gross too!

McKay backs away.

Sheppard: Anyway, we need to get back to Weir so she and I can… umm…

Teyla: What? Weir and you can what?

McKay, triumphant: Kill and kiss each other!

Sheppard glares at McKay: No… I forgot my lines…

Ronon smiling: Bullsh-

All others: DON'T SAY IT!

Ronon: -it.

The puddlebox falls to the ground with an audible thud. The engines sputter and die.

McKay: Ronon! I can't believe you swore in the puddlebox! In a DYING puddlebox!

Sheppard, sniffles: Dying? My baby's dying?

Teyla: Now John…

Sheppard: MY BABY!

He starts sobbing.

McKay: Sheppard… I didn't mean it, really!

Sheppard: You said she was dying!

The puddlebox lights up to Sheppard's touch and coos happily. All look amazed.

Teyla: He really can make everything work!

McKay to Ronon: God… kindergarten angst these days…

Sheppard: Honey, I'll take those mean boxes and patch you up right!

He pats it.

Sheppard, claps hands: Okay… let's go bring these to Weir.

The team looks very nervous as they inch by him for a box.

Weir, impatient: Now what did you bring back? Nothing _dangerous_ I hope.

McKay: Well, they're boxes…

Ronon: Empty boxes…

Teyla: They're brown?

All look at Teyla. She shrugs.

Teyla: You guys took all mine!

Weir: OKAY!

She massages her head and all know to behave.

Weir: Let's touch these things and get over with it.

Sheppard and Weir poke the boxes, nothing happens.

Weir: WE'RE TOUCHING THE BOXES NOW!

Stage member: Oh sorry!

He runs out with two flashlights and flashes Sheppard and Weir.

Sheppard: Ooh… I suddenly don't feel like myself!

Weir: Yeah… this is weird…

Ronon: Who da heck are you?

Sheppard: I'm Phebus!

Weir: I'm Thalen!

McKay: D'OH!

All: What?

McKay: Well… Phebus is female… Thalen is a guy…

Ronon: Ew.

McKay stalks offstage.

McKay: OKAY! Which one of you changed the script?

Thrashing is heard. McKay looks satisfied. All stare.

McKay: What?

Weir: What was that?

McKay: I wanted a share of the impending violence.

Ronon chuckles: What impending violence? They're just going to sing!

Weir and Sheppard gang up on Ronon.

Teyla: RUN!

They run off.

Weir: Oh Phebus!

Sheppard: Oh Thalen!

Weir: I love you!

Sheppard: Are you sure?

Weir: I think so… even when you tried to kill me!

Sheppard: Oh really?

Weir: Yes, like this!

She/he grabs a gun.

Sheppard: DON'T KILL ME!

Weir: Wow… if **that** wasn't pathetic.

Sheppard: I_ challenged you to a fair fight,  
I don't know why I even tried.  
You've been running and working out too long,  
You know it's just my foolish pride. _

Thalen! You've knocked me on my knees.  
Thalen! I'm begging, darling please.  
Thalen! Darling will you please not kick my ass!

I tried to catch you off your guard,  
Even with your fighting skills renowned.  
Like a fool, I fell for the oldest tricks in the book,  
Flipped my whole world upside down.

Thalen! You've knocked me on my knees.  
Thalen! I'm begging, darling please.  
Thalen! Darling will you please not kick my ass!

Tried to make the best of the situation  
Before I finally call defeat.  
I lose every day; I'll never find a way,  
Only way to win is to cheat!

Thalen! You've knocked me on my knees.  
Thalen! I'm begging, darling please.  
Thalen! Darling will you please not kick my ass!

Halling comes out of nowhere and begins to play a kick-ass slide guitar solo. All stare in awe.

Sheppard:_ Thalen, you've knocked me on my knees.  
Thalen, I'm begging, darling please.  
Thalen, darling will you please not kick my ass!_

Weir: Awww… that was sweet! Now I will kill everyone in Atlantis!

Teyla: NO!

Teyla raps Weir with her sticks. She turns to Sheppard.

Teyla: Bad boy!

Rap! Thud.

Ronon: Nice moves.

McKay, wildly: IS IT OVER?

Teyla raps him too. Thud.

Ronon: Thanks, he can get so annoying sometimes.

Teyla: I know.

They stand and blink.

Ronon: What's supposed to be happening?

Teyla shrugs.

A piece of construction paper slides across the floor.

Teyla, reading: The gate is dialing in.

Ronon, fakely: Oh… who is it?

Stage crew: The Genii!

Suddenly they are all in the gate room… colored by crayons.

Sgt. Canada: It's the Genii! They're being nice today!

Ronon: Whadda they want?

Sgt. Canada: Your mom.

Both: WHAT!

Sgt. Canada: Peter, my Genii sucks. Come here.

Grodin: They want Weir.

Teyla: Umm…

She looks down at Weir, Sheppard, and McKay on the floor.

Ronon: Hold on a second.

They prop Weir up in front of a camera.

Teyla: Hello… I'm Doctor Weir. I like red shirts. What do you want?

Genii: Umm, we want to come over.

Teyla, as Weir: Oh! A sleepover then?

Genii: Sure!

Teyla: Come right over!

Talking picture shuts off.

Teyla: Dang, they are _stuuuuu-_pid!

A Genii dashes through the barely erect cardboard gate. He stares at it a bit and dashes towards Sheppard on the floor. He quickly dashes back through the gate with Sheppard. He disappears.

Teyla: How can he do that? It's a cardboard gate.

McKay: He's good like that.

Ronon: Shut up, you're unconscious.

McKay: You need me, I'm waking up. And you can't do **anything** about it! HM!

Teyla swings her sticks; Ronon fingers the trigger of his pistol. McKay gulps.

Ronon: But we need you…

Chorus member: They need him…

2nd Chorus Member: They need him!

Both: THEY NEED HIM! Ooooh!

Awkward silence.

McKay clears his throat.

McKay: Well… that was… weird.

Ronon: You have a fan gathering?

Teyla: **You** have a **fan** gathering?

McKay: Shut up.

He blushes.

Sgt. Canada: Why can't **I** get a fan gathering?

Grodin smacks him upside the head.

Grodin: Dude, you don't even have a name yet!

Sgt. Canada: I do to have a name! It's-

Before the sergeant can reveal his name, the show's producers steal nightpheonix's and seanait's notebooks and furiously write in them. Bodyguards block the writers' attempts to regain their books.

Sgt. Canada: My name is - ! I can't remember!

He bawls.

The producers take off.

Seanait: Hey! This is our musical, not yours!

Nightpheonix: Yeah! You can't do that to the poor sergeant!

The writers go over and comfort the sergeant.

Seanait: Its okay, Walter didn't have a name until the fifth season or so.

Nightpheonix: Even then it wasn't his final name.

Sgt Canada nods; he can wait for his name.

Nightpheonix: That's a boy.

Seanait: Better now?

He nods.

All eyes widen in utter shock/fear, mostly fear. They've never seen the writers nice before.

The Writers: BACK TO WORK!

They disappear.

Sheppard: Damn those Powers That Be, eh?

Team: HEY!

McKay: You're not supposed to be here!

Sheppard: In the time it took you to get rid of the producers, the Genii had a coup.

Ronon: So now you're back…?

Sheppard: Yup.

Weir awakens.

Weir: Waz up?

Sheppard: Not much, you?

Weir: Headache…

McKay: Beck-ETT!

Ronon: Speaking of Beckett, he should have something…

Beckett: I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU ALL!

Teyla: Nice timing doc.

Beckett, out of breath: Thank ye lass. Now let's go!

Stage crew comes out and splashes white paint on the walls.

McKay: Nice redecorating Beckett.

Sheppard: Imagine that Rodney, you haven't even been hit yet.

McKay: Shut up Sheppard. I bet you'll get nailed!

Sheppard: I can't. I'm the hero of the series. I'M INVINCI-

Sheppard gets whitewashed.

All laugh hysterically.

Sheppard: Damn it.

Teyla, to stage crew: Lovely paint job!

Ronon: Beckett, I think I found one of your nurses.

Beckett: Where?

Ronon: Here.

He points down at Sheppard.

Beckett: Nice new shiny paint job colonel.

Sheppard, snarling: Thank. You.

Beckett: OH! Urgently we have reached the infirmary! C'mon!

We hear someone's unsuccessful attempt to get the beat to "Who Let the Wraith Out" and a groan of disgust.

Michael: Doc, I can't remember anything but this irritating song!

Sheppard: Oh you mean… _who let the dogs out?_

All: _Who? Who? Who?_

Michael: YEAH!

Beckett: Sorry about that side effect… I'm afraid I was singing it while I was working on ye.

Michael: Really?

McKay: Really really.

Teyla: Knock that off!

Michael: So I know y'all?

Teyla, crooning: Yes Michael… we are your friends…

Michael: NO! YOU LIE!

(Cue dramatic chord)

Michael: I'm starting to remember things!

Sheppard: Oh brother…

Michael: Things like the Wraith and they don't suck women!

(Band screeches to a halt… er, makes a screeching to a halt sound)

All blink.

Michael: Okay, maybe that didn't sound quite right…

Teyla slaps him.

Michael: Hey, that hurt! Do it again!

Teyla slaps him again.

Michael: AGAIN!

Teyla is clearly having fun as she slaps Michael across the face several times.

Beckett: Masochist…

Ronon: Disgusting, isn't it?

Sheppard, McKay, and Beckett look warily at Ronon. Ronon occasionally screamed masochism. In fact his shirt said it too.

Ronon: Hey, why does my shirt say "I'm a masochist"?

They shrug.

Ronon takes off his new shirt to get his old one. Written into his back were the words "See, I'm a masochist!"

Teyla slaps Michael heedless of the surrounding actions.

McKay: Teyla, take it easy… that's enough.

She nails Rodney.

Michael: AHHH! Thank you for that Teyla… and now I can be a wraith again!

He tries to be dramatic about it.

Michael: Uh, my zipper's stuck… can you help me?

Sheppard: Sure!

It unzips.

Michael: AHA! Now I can be Wraith!

He dramatically throws off his human suit to reveal a multicolored wraith underneath.

McKay: Damn, no wonder they let us take you.

Sheppard: You're multicolored!

Michael: Alas, a mistake of parents to breed between governmental parties.

Ronon: You're a mix of the PWLP and the BGWCP?

Beckett: Maa-an, it sucks to be you.

Michael: Shut up! We're outside Atlantis and I'm running away now, bye!

McKay: How did we - ?

They look around. Cardboard darts umm… zoom overhead. There is a single bush. It is rustling.

Sheppard: No… they can't be…

McKay: I thought we killed them!

Teyla: Apparently a faction of them survived!

Ronon: Who?

Wraith in bush: THE MBWIP!

All: Who?

Wraith: The political betoweled wraith party!

Michael: In long hand, we are the Mottled Betoweled Wraith Independent Party!

Beckett: Not the betoweled wraith!

McKay: Look who's talking…

Beckett scowls at McKay.

Sheppard: RUN AWAY!

They run.

Michael: AFTER THEM!

Michael dons his towel and leads the chase.

All: _We can breathe freely once the Wraith are gone,  
We'll take on all obstacles in our way,  
But until then, we must stay on our guard,  
It's gonna be a long,  
_Betoweled Wraith back-up chorus: _**Long!**  
_All: _Long,_  
Betoweled Wraith : _**Long!**  
_All: _Wraith-fighting day! It's gonna be a long,_  
Betoweled Wraith: _**Long!**  
_All: _Long, _  
Betoweled Wraith: _**Long!**  
_All: _Wraith-fighting day!_

_We think we can make it once the Hives are gone,  
All of the bad feelings will disappear  
Yeah, like that's gonna happen any time soon,  
It's gonna be a long,_  
Betoweled Wraith: _**Long!**  
_All: _Long,  
_Betoweled Wraith : _**Long!**  
_All: _Wraith-fighting day! It's gonna be a long,  
_Betoweled Wraith: _**Long!**  
_All: _Long,_  
Betoweled Wraith : _**Long!**  
_All: _Wraith-fighting day!_

_Look all around, there's Darts in the blue skies,  
Look straight ahead, Darts in the blue skies! _

We can breathe freely once the Wraith are gone,  
We'll take on all obstacles in my way  
But until then, we must stay on our guard,  
It's gonna be a long,  
Betoweled Wraith: _**Long!**  
_All: _Long,_  
Betoweled Wraith : **_Long!  
_**All: _Wraith-fighting day! It's gonna be a long,_  
Betoweled Wraith: _**Long!**  
_All: _Long,_  
Betoweled Wraith : _**Long!**  
_All: _Wraith-fighting day!_

The team runs flat into a shiny force field at full tilt. The betoweled wraith look triumphant as they speed up. Michael takes off his turban/towel and swings at around.

Michael: Aha! We got you!

The team looks at the three betoweled wraith.

Ronon: Who's "we"?

A ton of betoweled wraith beam down – including the Queen.

McKay: Oh… say, whadda want in exchange for our lives?

Sheppard: Rodnee-ey!

McKay: Sorry, my self-preservation instincts are kicking on.

Sheppard: "Kicking on"? Aren't they always on?

Teyla: I believe it is what you humans call "selective senses." This is one of them.

McKay: That's right! Hey! Teyla, you're supposed to be defending me!

All snicker.

Michael: Enough with the banter, I want…

… Dramatic pause…

Michael: Your weird wraith changer drug!

Key scary/triumphant music.

Queen: We want ALL of it!

All wraith stare in awe and bow reverently to her.

Wraith: The Queen has spoken, the Queen has spoken.

Queen: Sniveling idiots… but they're right to snivel! For I have…

… Loooong dramatic pause…

Ancient: Get on with it!

Queen Wraith: A Wraithopus!

Wraith shudder.

Sheppard: A WHAT?

Queen: A wraithopus!

Something wriggles in her arms. Ronon's eyes widen and he throws himself onto his knees.

Ronon: The Reverent Queen has spoken, the Queen has spoken…

McKay, disgusted: Get up you sniveling fool!

Ronon, quivering: Not the Wraithopus!

Teyla sighs: What is a wraithopus? My kind has endured many of your kind and have never heard of a thing such as a wraithopus. I think you're making it up!

She throws her chin in the air and crosses her arms.

Sheppard: That was snotty…

McKay: Yeah…

Teyla: I have the right to be snotty, I'm PMSing.

Sheppard and McKay: Oh…!

They edge away.

The Wraith Queen edges away too – the groveling congregation crawls with her.

Queen: ANYway, a wraithopus is a long lost cousin of our species.

Sheppard to McKay: Long lost cousins, eh?

McKay snorts.

Queen: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M SPEAKING!

Sheppard and McKay whimper. She sounded like Weir.

Weir: DO NOT COMPARE ME TO _HER_!

They squeal in pain. Weir stomps off stage.

Queen, glares after Weir: Many years ago, of group of the Eritus bugs split off from those who created us and went to live in the sea.

Sheppard, sarcastically: Oh no, a suckerfish.

McKay: Or a suckershark!

Queen: QUIET! No, our seafaring cousins, presumed to be lost to us, did very well in their habitat. They conquered kingdoms far and wide.

The men snicker.

Queen, glaring: The main food of the Eritus bug was an eight-legged animal with a sack for a head. I believe you call it… the octopus.

McKay, starting to get the gravity of the situation: You're not saying that… that…

Sheppard: You can't be serious McKay; you're scared of it too?

McKay: Colonel, the Eritus bug's main dish was us. Human DNA plus Eritus bug DNA equaled wraith. Octopus DNA plus Eritus bug DNA equaled…

Queen: The wraithopus!

The thing in her arms squirms into the open. It is a blue octopus shaped creature with slits below its eyes. The eyes themselves are slit like cats' eyes. It also had long, white, knotted hair. The arms of the wraithopus, as on octopi, had many suckers on the bottom. It was cute in an 'I'm-going-to-suck-the-life-from-you' sort of way.

Wraithopus: Scriiiik.

McKay: Huh? It talks?

Queen: Not generally…

Wraithopus, glaring: SCRIK!

All shrink back in fear. Ronon bursts into tears as it hops from the Queen's arms and plops onto the ground.

Queen: Now, we become allies or the wraithopus will KILL YOU!

She twitches.

Teyla: That was way too dramatic for her own good.

The wraithopus draws near.

Wraithopus: Scrrriiik…

Five more pop out from behind it.

McKay: WHOA! They can reproduce without showing it?

Five more appear from each of the new five.

Teyla: This is appropriate about now... Shit.

Queen: MHAHAHAHAHAHA!

McKay: STAGE CREW! Help! They are a bunch of little octopuses after us!

The stage crew has run away. The advance by the wraithopuses have stopped.

Head Wraithopus: Excuse me?

McKay screams like a frightened child confronting a man-eating tarantula. It's ear-piercing.

Sheppard and Teyla look at him oddly. They join in.

Wraithopuses: Stop that horrible sound! SCRIK!

Queen: SHUT THE –beep- UP!

All quiet. You can still hear the worshippers frightfully murmuring the Queen's name.

McKay to Queen: I thought you said they can't talk!

Queen: They didn't!

Head Wraithopus: Shut up, we don't like you anyway.

One of the little ones attaches itself to her face and feeds. It finishes and grows huge – about the size of a plate from the size of a small spinning top.

All gulp. This is no longer acting, this is life and death. The audience loves this improv!

Head Wraithopus: Okay, Dr. McKay? You called us octopuses.

McKay, nervously: Yeah, so?

Head Wraithopus: For one, we are wraithopus and it's wraithopi, not wraithopuses.

McKay: What? You're arguing a speech point with me? You shouldn't even be talking!

All wraithopi glower at him, McKay looks terrified.

Head Wraithopus: And why not? I even have a name!

Sheppard: Which is?

Head Wraithopus: I am…

… Another dramatic pause…

(Somewhere off stage, the stage crew sigh in impatience… wraith and their dramatic moments!)

Head Wraithopus: … Stephen!

Sheppard, disbelief: Steve?

Stephen: Not "Steve," Stephen… Steph-en.

McKay: Okay Stephen, you shouldn't be able to talk because you are derived from two animals that don't speak!

Stephen: Have **you** ever spoken to an octopus before he dies? I bet not! Besides, you talk.

McKay: What's your point?

Stephen: You are derived from _one_ animal that doesn't talk. In fact, it's rather hairy and nasty. THOSE are **your** ancestors!

Teyla: Dude, that's called evolution. You freaks didn't **evolve**, you combined. Therefore, no talking for you!

She hits it with her sticks.

Stephen takes out a pair of his own sticks and wields them in his tentacles.

Ronon, from ground: Where did you get those?

Stephen looks over at Ronon: You **don't** want to know…

Groveling betoweled wraith and Ronon: EW!

They run away.

Sheppard: Whoa Stephen, before you two fight… can you moonwalk?

Stephen, haughty: Of course!

The band strikes up Michael Jackson's _Thriller_ again and Stephen moonwalks gracefully. The other wraithopi clap supportively.

Teyla, drops her sticks: Dang…

She moonwalks too.

Ronon: They are good.

McKay: I can moonwalk!

Ronon and Sheppard: No you - !

McKay does a stuttering shuffle, crosses his feet, and trips flat on his face.

Ronon and Sheppard: … can't…

The wraithopi start laughing hysterically. The Atlantis team does too, it was pretty funny.

Ford: YES! I GOT IT ON CAMERA!

He runs through the center of the scene and disappears into "the forest."

Sheppard: Well… um

McKay: He's good at hiding.

Ronon: Indeed.

McKay: You can't say that!

Ronon: Why not?

McKay: That's Teal'c's line.

Ronon: Who's Teal'c?

Teal'c: Indeed.

He disappears.

McKay: That was Teal'c.

Weir: THAT'S IT! NO MORE CAMEO APPEARANCES!

Bates: What about me?

He shakes pitchfork. Weir tears after him. They run off stage.

Bates: AHHHHHH! A CRAZY ALIEN HAS TAKEN CONTROL OF-!

There's a gunshot and the betoweled wraith come storming back into the scene. They've been kicked out of the actors' lounge.

Everyone is distracted and the wraithopi are hungry.

Wraithopi: YAH!

They launch themselves at the team and they whip out their weapons and point them at the attacking wraithopi.

Time slows down and a single light illuminates the team and the wraithopi. The wraithopi are frozen in time, for the moment. The angry betoweled wraith, who are advancing on the team, are frozen outside the circle of light.

The team: _Why is this my life?__  
__Why's this happening to me?__  
__Caught in a firefight, __  
__No escape from reality.__  
__Open your eyes,__  
__Look up to the skies and see...__  
__We're just a poor team, we need no sympathy,__  
__Because we're easy come, easy go,__  
__Aim up high, shoot down low,__  
__Anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to us, __  
__To us.__  
_

Time for Ronon speeds up to real time. He was the first to pull the trigger on his weapons. The wraithopus, not Stephen, is blown away. Time slows again. The light narrows to focus on Teyla.

_  
_Teyla: _Ronon just killed a Wraith.__  
__Put a gun against his head,__  
__Pulled the trigger, now he's dead,__  
__Ronon, the battle just begun,__  
__But now he's gone and blown them all away.__  
__Ronon, ooo...__  
__Didn't let me fight my share.__  
__But they'll be back again this time tomorrow,__  
__Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters._

Things become rather hectic as time speeds up again. A squadron of cardboard Darts zooms overhead, and Ronon unholsters his gun and waves it frantically.

Ronon: _Too late! The Wraith have come._  
_Sends shivers down my spine, _  
_Body's aching all the time._  
_Good luck everybody, I've got to go, _  
_Gotta leave you all behind and face the fear._

Teyla: _Ronon, ooo..._

Back-up chorus: _Anyway the runner goes._

Ronon: _They're all gonna die, _  
_I'll make them wish they'd never been born at all..._

The team runs from the attacking wraith and remaining wraithopi. Most of the team makes it off stage.

The music suddenly picks up tempo, and the piano repeats the same chord to the beat. The lights dim and all scatter. McKay, being the slowest runner, is put at the mercy of the fic writers, who trap him onstage using brick walls. He looks around nervously, and begins to sing frantically.

McKay:_ I see no possible escape from this mission.__  
__Jumper 2, Jumper 2, will you please come rescue me?__  
__Wraith battles and fighting, __  
__Very very frightening me.__  
__Colonel Sheppard! Ronon Dex! Teyla Emmagan! Hey, all you guys!__  
__Someone out there, rescue me! Oh, hell, no-oo-o!__  
__But I'm just a poor geek, they're all out to get me,__  
__I'm just a poor guy, I'll lose my sanity,__  
__Spare me my life from this monstrosity!_

Suddenly, a cardboard Dart zooms directly overhead and beams down a Wraith, who seizes Rodney by the wrist. They both strike very dramatic poses.

McKay: _Oh crap, hell! Crap, Oh no! - will you let me go?_  
Wraith: _Atlantean! No - we will not let you go!_  
McKay: _Let me go!_  
Wraith: _Atlantean! We will not let you go!_  
McKay: _Let me go!_  
Wraith: _Atlantean! We will not let you go!_  
McKay: _Let me go!_  
Wraith: _Will not let you go!_  
McKay: _Let me go!_  
Wraith: _Never let you go!_  
McKay: _Let me go!_  
_Never let me go -oo-o!_  
Wraith: _No, no, no, no, no, no, no!_  
McKay: _Beelzebub, has the Devil pulled his scythe for me?_

_For me…?_

(Really high falsetto) _For me!_

An electric guitar kicks in and the music once again changes tempo. Sheppard comes zooming in with the puddlebox, knocking over the brick wall and squashing the Wraith under it dead.

Sheppard: _So you think you can stun me and take away my life?__  
__So you think you can suck me and leave me to die?__  
__Oh baby - can't do this to me Wraithie, __  
__Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here._

He picks up McKay. Teyla and Ronon also climb into the box. The music slows again, and the team belts out the last verse.

All: _Ooh yeah, ooh yeah.__  
__Nothing ever stops us,__  
__Anyone can see,__  
__Nothing ever stops us,__  
__Nothing ever stops our... victory!_

_Anywhere the Wraith go…_

_Grodin comes out of nowhere and claps cymbals. He then takes off._

Sheppard slides the puddlebox into Atlantis' "gate room."

Sheppard: Nice job gang!

He pets the puddlebox.

McKay: Yup, I'd call that a success… finishing all the songs, escaping the betoweled wraith, escaping wraithopi…

All make a twisted face.

McKay: Singing my bit, and landing in Atlantis – out of harm's way.

Teyla: A successful day indeed.

Ronon: Yeah McKay, about your singing part…?

McKay: Yeah?

Ronon: Didn't know you could sing that high.

Sheppard, straight faced: Yeah, kinda sounded like someone grabbed your balls for a minute there, but better.

McKay blushes with utter embarrassment and growing anger with Sheppard.

McKay: Colonel, I'll have you know…!

The writers walk on stage.

Nightpheonix: Hey you guys… what are you doing here?

Sheppard: Um, standing… you put us here.

McKay, squeaky voice: Yeah!

He's terrified of them.

Seanait, frowning: The audience loved it! You should be out bowing!

Ronon: Um okay… where's the edge of stage…?

They write something quickly and suddenly the edge of the stage is at the team's feet and the audience is applauding madly.

Teyla: They seem to have enjoyed our adventures through conceptual sets!

Teal'c: Indeed.

McKay: Go away.

Sheppard: Now McKay, smile and be personable. They're applauding you on your great work!

McKay smiles: You're right!

Ronon to Sheppard: Ego booster…

Sheppard shrugs.

Sheppard: Sometimes you gotta do what is probably against your better will.

Teyla: True…

Sheppard: This is not an act of kindness…

He nudges McKay off stage and into the cheering crowd. They sidestep around him and he crashes to the ground.

Nightpheonix, whispering off stage: Aww, that was mean!

Seanait: Wasn't me! That was the Sheppard character acting out of his own volition!

Nightpheonix: We can't have that now, can we?

Seanait: Indeed not NP.

They furiously write a line into their notebooks and slam them shut.

On stage:

Sheppard: This has been a good day!

The curtain comes hurtling down and bashes Sheppard, Teyla, and Ronon. They fall, rather poetically, behind the curtains, disappearing from sight.

End of Act 4

* * *

_(giggle)_ that was evil of us! or not... hey! if you liked it, PLEASE give us a ring on the ReviewerPhone! we'd love to hear from you!

oh fyi, a **masochist** is a person that hurts him or herself and feels pleasure from doing it. PLEASE REVIEW!


	10. Grand Finale

(_doo dada dooooo!_) (trumpet sounds) HEY! We've done it! Completed another musical!!! And in time for Season Three too!

Nightpheonix: That was a horrible pun!  
Seanait: It wasn't meant to **be** a pun...  
NP: ... oh.

Anyway, we'd like to thank all of our immensely loyal reviewers! our small party of loyal reviewers, you are welcomed to an iFeast at our eHome! since its an iFeast, order what you like and it will pop out of net-space and settle on your ePlate. So, a round of applause to the reviewers! (_massive applause_) YAY!!! all of you will be listed in the below Authors' Notes.

**EVS** - glad you enjoyed it! we hope you will enjoy the next installment too!!!  
**NenyaVilyaNenya** - LOL! all of it was awesome?! YAY! thank you so much for reviewing our story!  
**j** - i see you are a phantom reader, reading and not reviewing! but we're glad you've come out in the open!!! hope you enjoy the next part!  
**fififolle** - yes!!! medals AND genius status!? SWEET! (_hugs you_) happy you enjoyed ALL the odd aspects of the story!!!  
**puddles1311** - lol, that IS weird, how often is it you find a story that plays your songs? we're glad you enjoyed both stories so far!!!!

omg you guys are awesome!!!! We hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the last. And we also hope you enjoyed these stories as much as we did!!!!!

Onto... THE GRAND FINALE!

* * *

**Grand Finale/ Epilogue/ Disclaimer**

The curtain rises to reveal the cast of the musical standing onstage, looking bored and impatient.

Teyla: We have returned for the disclaimer.

Ronon: We just want to get this over with. We have lives besides this.

Rodney frowns.

McKay: We do?

Seanait and Nightpheonix: No you don't!

Sheppard: McKay, stop encouraging them! Now, without further ado, the disclaimer chapter!

Just as they are about to start, the _Daedalus_ crew gets beamed onstage in a flash of light.

Weir: Great.

Sheppard: What are you all doing here?

McKay, not-so-subtly trying to get them out: Aren't you going to OVERTAX the Daedalus' HYPERDRIVE ENGINES by traveling back and forth SO MUCH?

Kleinman the First Officer: And miss our spot in the musical? Not a chance!

Caldwell, mockingly: The authors were too lazy to give us a number in the actual musical, so they stuck us in the epilogue!

Clearly he is not happy about being forced to drag his ship all this way just to sing.

Weir: Well don't stay too long. We don't want to have to get stuck with you.

Hermiod: Believe me, Dr. Weir. I do not wish to remain. I am most displeased with being in this...'musical.'

Novak, aside to Weir: He's a little self conscious about his singing voice.

Group "awwww..." Hermiod begins swearing in Norse.

Caldwell addresses the crew: Alright, people, let's do this.

Everyone except Hermiod and Novak begin swaying slowly back and forth, putting arms around each other's shoulders.

Crew: _This ship is your ship; this ship is my ship__  
__From the command deck, to the rail gun stations__  
__From the Milky Way, to Pegasus Galaxy__  
__This ship was made for you and me_

_As we were flying quickly through hyperspace__  
__We got a message from Atlantis base.__  
__You need assistance, so we increase speed__  
__This ship was made for you and me_

_This ship is your ship, this ship is my ship__  
__From the command deck, to the rail gun stations__  
__From the Milky Way, to Pegasus Galaxy__  
__This ship was made for you and me_

Hermiod, to Novak: Please. Shoot me...NOW.

Crew: _We roamed and rambled for eighteen long days__  
__To the sparkling oceans of the city of Ancients__  
__And all around us, the Wraith were attacking.__  
__This ship was made for you and me_

_This ship is your ship, this ship is my ship__  
__From the command deck, to the rail gun stations__  
__From the Milky Way, to Pegasus Galaxy__  
__This ship was made for you and me_

Caldwell, steps forward and butts in: _Think this ship's your ship? It's really my ship!__  
__From the command deck, to the rail gun stations__  
__From the Milky Way, to Pegasus Galaxy__  
__This ship was made for only me!!_

Music fades out.

Caldwell: Yeah, that's right! The Daedalus is under MY COMMAND! I outrank both Sheppard _and_ Weir! You can't boss me around and use my ship like some glorified Mack Truck! I hate you both!

Suddenly, he whips out a harmonica and begins humming out the intro to "What I Like About You," except...

Caldwell: _Hey! Uh huh! Hey! Uh huh!__  
__What I hate about you__  
__You stole my job__  
__No regard for chain of command__  
__You run the city like slobs, yeah_

_Keep on leading behind my back__  
__When I'm in the city, I won't cut no slack  
'Cause it's true__  
__That's what I hate about you_

_What I hate about you__  
__I so outrank your rear.__  
__But you go "Do this!" "Fly there!"__  
__Like you're the boss 'round here, yeah_

_Keep on leading behind my back__  
__When I'm in the city, I won't cut no--_

Sheppard rolls his eyes and takes out his 9 mil: This is what I hate about _you._

He shoots Caldwell in the foot.

Caldwell screams: OW! That's assaulting a superior officer! You are going **DOWN,** Sheppard!

He hops offstage, swearing. The crew laughs hysterically; Novak gets the hiccups, and Hermiod jumps up and down cheering when he thinks no one's looking. John looks smug.

Weir: Nice.

Sheppard, proudly: I know, wasn't it?

The crew, having recovered from their peals of laughter, looks uneasily after their fallen commander, shuffling off after him. Oh, were they going to get it for convincing him to come here. The rest of the team stands alone on the stage in silence.

Sheppard: Well, uh…that rather pointless addition was a mangling of "This Land is Your Land" by Woody Guthrie and "What I Like About You" by the Romantics.

Teyla: What else did we sing?

Weir: I dunno, I can't remember back that far.

Sheppard yells to the authors offstage: Maybe that's because SOMEBODY kept prolonging out TORTURE…

Authors, in unison: Shut up or we'll kill you off!

All edge away.

McKay: 'Kay…that was creepy…

A member of stage crew sticks his head onstage: Psst!

Ronon walks over. The crew member holds out a copy of the script.

Beckett: Well, first was the Marine's rendition of the "Gilligan's Island" theme song.

Ronon, leafing through the script: Which wasn't in the script.

Beckett, agreeing: Which wasn't in the script.

Weir: Then Bates crashed our party by bursting in with his torch and pitchfork and singing "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones.

McKay: Then Teyla killed him.

Teyla, quite happily: Which also wasn't in the script.

Sheppard: Yeah, it's pretty safe to say that the script pretty much went to hell in Act 1.

McKay: When _hasn't_ the script gone to hell?

Sheppard: Good point.

Weir: Well, Heightmeyer and her chorus of shrinks sung Rodney and Cadman the Beatles' "All You Need Is Love" when they were arguing in Rodney's head.

McKay: Must we go over that again?

Ronon: Yeah. It's funny.

Cadman, pokes her head onstage: No it wasn't!

Beckett: Aye!

Sheppard: Aw, Carson, you're just still sore because of that whole 'CadKay' thing in Act One, Part 2.

McKay: Actually, it was Act 1b Sub A.

Sheppard: Whatever. What matters is that was the act when Elizabeth sung a lovely version of "Hands," by Jewel.

Tears come to everyone's eyes at just the memory of the song. Weir frowns.

Weir: I did?

Beckett: Aye. In the second of the three Act Ones

McKay: …why did we do three Act Ones?

Teyla: Because the authors became bored and enjoy torturing us.

Sheppard: And making Weir totally drunk.

Weir, suddenly quite woozy: Teehee…inebr'at'd!

They all look at her, surprised. Damn, those authors must have decided to load her up on liquor again in the two seconds since she had last spoken. They really were pushing the whole 'drunken Weir' gag for all it was worth.

Ronon: She's not going to have any brain cells left by the time this musical is over.

Sheppard: Speaking of killing brain cells, next was McKay performing a duet with himself to Pink Floyd's "Brain Damage."

McKay: Which LEFT me brain damaged!

Cadman sticks her head onstage again: How do you think _I _feel?

Zelenka pokes his head from the other side of the stage: It does not matter, you are Marine and therefore do not have brain cells anyways.

She glowers at Zelenka who runs of screaming like a little girl in Czech, trying not to get into another flight for his life.

McKay: And thus began the Monty Python Act.

Sheppard: Ah, yes, the Python Act, including such stunning hits as, "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," and Ronon's deeply disturbing rendition of "The Lumberjack Song"

Weir, quickly: Can we not get into that?

McKay: Agreed. Moving on, that act also included "I Know You're Out There Somewhere," by the Moody Blues.

Ronon: And then intermission.

They all pause in place for a moment. The intermission ends…

Weir: And a PWLP mission.

McKay: And sunset backdrops with three colors.

Beckett: How funny Caldwell's hiccups were!

Ronon: And we spoke in rhyme.

Teyla: For a period of time.

Sheppard: Let's stop the rhyming now and forever!

McKay: But you have to admit, it is quite clever!

All glower.

McKay: …shutting up.

Sheppard: Right…then we started Act 3, and the Wraith Queen sung "Who Let the Dogs Out?" by some unfortunate one-hit wonder band who never should have walked the face of the earth, never mind introduced their Satan spawned song to the Wraith.

Pause.

Weir: We'll call them the Baja Men for short.

Sheppard: Well, I was going to protect them by omitting their name, but I guess that don't deserve that.

Ronon: Then McKay sang a highly drugged-up and mangled version of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" by B.J. Thomas and Burt Bacharach.

McKay: Oh, you had to bring _that_ up!

Seanait: You don't want us to get sued, do ya, McKay?

He has no answer. He is saved from what was sure to become a very awkward conversation by Weir continuing.

Weir: Also in that act was "Who Wants to Live Forever?" and "Under Pressure," both by Queen.

McKay: That pun sucked.

All look at him quizzically.

McKay: "Grace Under Pressure"…it's like the episode "Grace"… except under water… "Grace." Under pressure.

No one gets it.

McKay: Back me up, Imaginary!Sam!

Nothing. Rodney fumes.

Sheppard: Moving on…

Ronon: Three songs left, let's get this over with!

Teyla inhales deeply and says quickly in one breath: Act 4 had "Layla" by Derek and the Dominoes, "I Can See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash, and a long fricking version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen.

Weir: Yay, we're done!

Seanait: Took you long enough… Nightpheonix!

She smacks her co-author upside the head

McKay: Wow, shit, we did a lot of singing this year!

Sheppard: And remember, kids, no Wraith were actually harmed in the making of this musical.

Pause.

McKay: Didn't Ronon shoot all those Mountie-Wraith?

Sheppard: Wee-eeell…

Teyla: And did Dr. McKay not make the Wraith on the Hive Ship's heads explode?

Sheppard: Yeah, but…

Ronon: And didn't the Wraithtopus kill a bunch of them, including the Queen?

Sheppard: Okay, shut up! It's so the authors don't get sued. Besides, we don't want the PETA people after our asses for Wraith abuse.

Weir: The Wraith are protected by PETA?

Sheppard: Who knows?

McKay: If they are, we're really, _really_ screwed.

Teyla, getting back to business: Anyways, the writers, fortunately, do not own the Stargate Program. For this, we are thankful.

Ronon: That would be a very bad thing if they did.

All shudder.

Nightpheonix: It's only a matter of time...

Seanait: Then no one will be able to stop us!

The fic writers go off to make their plan to expose the Stargate Program...and work on the Season 3 musical in the meantime!

* * *

MHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! You guys will LOVE whats in store for Season Three! So catch up on it if you havent seen the season!!! And now, ALL of our loyal reviewers will be exposed!!! (actually, this is more like an invitation to the iFeast!) 

**AFoE, atlantian, Beach chickJASSNL, Becky, Dr. E. Vance, EVS, fififolle, Galen Phyre, ismisesteph, j, Jayne Cobb09, Jennifer, Joulez, Kalian, Lady Sidera, NenyaVilyaNenya, puddles1311, pv31, Red Tigress, Sheaori, sparklegem, TortieKitten** - **THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!** without it, we never would have gone farther than Act 1b, Sub A! lol! Please, tell your friends and family about us! we'd love to up the Loyal Reviewer Club to greater membership! but, we love you!

THANK YOU!!!! And have a Happy Holidays!

The Authors: Seanait and Nightpheonix!

12/6/06


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